Rand Paul’s Mr. Whipple Moment

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Update New Toilet Offered to Senator Rand Paul

Grist writer David Roberts owns an Australian model that never clogs and uses less water than a standard toilet. “If he likes,” Roberts writes, “I will personally have one of these toilets sent to Sen. Paul. Perhaps it will change his life like it has changed mine. Perhaps it will reassure him that his freedom to flush his turds with lots and lots of water was not sacrificed in vain.”

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Whatthehellwerethosekentuckiansthinking), has a knack for the absurd. Politicians often talk sh*t, but Rand went off on a rant about toilets – and light bulbs, abortion, offshoring jobs, and the dangerous threat to society those inanimate objects represent…. at a hearing about energy efficiency standards for appliances.

I’d like to lay the whole story out, insane utterance by insane utterance, but I can’t understand it. For one thing, I’m not Charlie Sheening on angel dust nor am I Baghdad Bob. I’m just an average person who manages to get up and go to work each day and return home in relatively good physical and mental shape without having a toilet flush my right to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and incandescant light bulbs as though I was a whole roll of Mr. Whipple‘s best.

I also have an IQ somewhere north of a stale donut and I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you do too.

As I read the story, I kept thinking there’s an asylum somewhere with a bed that has his name on it. I actually felt sorry for the addlebrained goob. I kept thinking, “That guy needs some help. Good thing his insurance doesn’t have a death panel requirement, because he’d be right up at the top of the euthanasia list.” I kept thinking there had to something I could do or say to bring him back to reality. And then it struck me!

Rand hates low-flow toilets because he has to flush them 10 times to get rid of that dump he took after his last hallucinogenic flight of fantasy. Eureka!

Rand, listen carefully. Go to your bathroom. Take off your shoes, put your feet in your underperforming toilet and FLUSH – 11 or 12 times if you have to and sooner or later the world’s biggest turd will just disappear down the drain.

I love it when I can help my fellow man.

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6 thoughts on “Rand Paul’s Mr. Whipple Moment

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  3. Those poor bastards in Kentucky are stuck with him for six years. I’d feel sorry for them if they hadnt elected him themselves. As it is, I hope to have a nice, long buzz of schadenfreude when the Democrat/Republican pendulum swings back the other way and working folks (but, you know, only the lazy and undeserving ones) start to experience a bit of buyer’s remorse.

    Oh, who am I kidding. They’ll only feel more proud of themselves even as their roads fall apart and their children get packed more and more tightly into classrooms.
    Besides, to have buyers remorse, you had to be the one who bought something, and I think Citizens vs United has made it quite clear who’s doing the spending now.

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