New Toilet Offered to Senator Rand Paul
Grist writer David Roberts owns an Australian model that never clogs and uses less water than a standard toilet. “If he likes,” Roberts writes, “I will personally have one of these toilets sent to Sen. Paul. Perhaps it will change his life like it has changed mine. Perhaps it will reassure him that his freedom to flush his turds with lots and lots of water was not sacrificed in vain.”
Sen. Rand Paul (R-Whatthehellwerethosekentuckiansthinking), has a knack for the absurd. Politicians often talk sh*t, but Rand went off on a rant about toilets – and light bulbs, abortion, offshoring jobs, and the dangerous threat to society those inanimate objects represent…. at a hearing about energy efficiency standards for appliances.
I’d like to lay the whole story out, insane utterance by insane utterance, but I can’t understand it. For one thing, I’m not Charlie Sheening on angel dust nor am I Baghdad Bob. I’m just an average person who manages to get up and go to work each day and return home in relatively good physical and mental shape without having a toilet flush my right to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and incandescant light bulbs as though I was a whole roll of Mr. Whipple‘s best.
I also have an IQ somewhere north of a stale donut and I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you do too.
As I read the story, I kept thinking there’s an asylum somewhere with a bed that has his name on it. I actually felt sorry for the addlebrained goob. I kept thinking, “That guy needs some help. Good thing his insurance doesn’t have a death panel requirement, because he’d be right up at the top of the euthanasia list.” I kept thinking there had to something I could do or say to bring him back to reality. And then it struck me!
Rand hates low-flow toilets because he has to flush them 10 times to get rid of that dump he took after his last hallucinogenic flight of fantasy. Eureka!
Rand, listen carefully. Go to your bathroom. Take off your shoes, put your feet in your underperforming toilet and FLUSH – 11 or 12 times if you have to and sooner or later the world’s biggest turd will just disappear down the drain.
I love it when I can help my fellow man.
- Sen. Rand Paul to government: hands off light bulbs, refrigerators, and toilets (riehlworldview.com)
- Rand Paul: Offensive Moron [Greg Laden's Blog] (scienceblogs.com)
- GOP lawmakers call light bulb mandate a dim idea (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
- Brilliant: How Tungsten Light Bulb Filaments Work (geeksaresexy.net)
- It’s a Toilet, Not a Choice! Rand Paul Flushes Out Anti-Freedom Logic at Dept. of Energy (reason.com)
- Rand Paul is pro-choice for toilets (salon.com)
- Rand Paul’s poop is more important than any mere woman (scienceblogs.com)
- Rand Paul Needs a Charlie Sheen Tatoo (eleftheria64.wordpress.com)