Juan Williams: We’ve Become the United States of Wussies

Fear Me

I'M A-SCARED! - Juan Williams' Muslim statement says more about him than it does about Muslims. What the hell is everyone so scared of?

Juan Williams, Fox News contributor and now ex-NPR reporter, was fired for saying he’s nervous when Muslims board his plane. As might be expected, conservatives are howling to yank NPR funding and liberals are saying NPR jumped the gun ala Shirley Sharrod. It’s nice to see we’ve finally achieved bipartisanship by rallying around the notion that NPR sucks – unless, of course, you’re a fan of opera.

When I first heard about this story, the idea that Williams had become some sort of overnight racial profiler didn’t even occur to me. After all, he has a long history of speaking out against racism in its many forms or at least as often as he can before Britt Hume or some other ass cake interrupts him. No, the first thing that jumped into my head was, “What a wuss!”

If Williams is guilty of anything, it’s not racism – it’s his irrational fear of a crackpot amateur videographer living in a Pakistani cave. And if that’s a crime, let’s lock up the rest of fear-crazed America too.

Setting Our Crotches on Fire
So big is our national obsession with fear, that we compliantly allow ourselves to be x-rayed, cavity searched, and deprived of our shoes and belts simply because some idiot mistook his shoe for a candle and another set his crotch on fire.

It seems everyone is terrified of something or someone today. AZ Governatrix Jan Brewer is tremble-kneed over Latinos attacking from Mexico, though curiously not afraid of French Canadians invading Vermont. Sharron Angle is afraid of Canadians so that fear seems to be covered. What a relief, I feared no one would step up for that one. Sharron may also be afraid of Latinos and Asians or someone. They all look alike to her and it’s a tough job so she has to do it.


Obama is afraid of failure, Bush is afraid someone will see he was a carbuncle on the ass of democracy – a hint to the Dub, that cat is already out of the bag. Whites are afraid of blacks. Otherwise brave soldiers are afraid someone might look at their armor-piercing peckers in the shower, but feel much safer if they don’t ask the lookie-loo what he’s looking at and said loo doesn’t tell them. And Sarah Palin pretty much scares the crap out of everyone – except CEOs, who fear no one, but are roundly feared by everyone.

Oh, and Christine O’Donnell is afraid of Bill Maher, though that didn’t stop her from appearing on his show like 357 times to say she was an anti-mastubatory witch.

All Fear, All the Time
Being afraid of Muslims is like saying you’re afraid of Oklahomans because of Timothy McVey or afraid of Coloradans because a zealot whack job killed an abortion doctor there.

To edit a phrase recently uttered on the Fox Fear Network, “Not all Muslims are terrorists, not all terrorists are Muslims, but all terrorists are terrorists” and they’re in the business of scaring the bejeebers out of people. When they’re successful – and in America they’re fabulously successful beyond their wildest incoherent dreams – they win. They get what they want. They want to say, “BOO!” and see 350 million people simultaneously piss their pants…over a poorly-filmed amateur videotape.

Americans really need to get a grip. There’s nothing wrong with prudent precautions, but building a Maginot Line across the southwest is NOT it. I can live with a stroll through a metal detector, though I still don’t like it nor think it does much. I mean when was the last time a turban-wearing Arab showed up for the 3:15 Delta to Sheboygan carrying one of those round Spy vs. Spy bombs?

So what say we all pull up our big girl, big boy, transgendered pants and act like reasonable adults instead of a pack of screaming Campfire Girls because that new Muslim kid down the block keeps trying to put worms down our backs.

Oh yeah, and hire Williams back…with a raise. It’s the least you could do, you pussies.

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The Lazy Black Dog Jumped Over the Fat White Cracker

Bad Egg

RACISM IS LIKE A BAD EGG - If you insist on saying racist crap, don't complain when someone calls you a racist. Own your crapitude.

Given the plethora of political pinheads roaming the streets and licking babies this year, it’s a several times daily thing when one says or does something incredibly stupid. When you speechify for a living things like that will happen, but this is an amazingly talented bunch when it comes to crapping in their own rhetorical mess kits.

When something goes awry, the tried and true tactic is for the candidate – or some unlucky bastard of a surrogate – to come out and explain why what they said isn’t really what they said, even though they said it in front of several thousand people, while being broadcast on 144 channels around the globe, and Jon Stewart is playing it unedited and nonstop for nigh onto a month.

Sometimes the stupid statement is so egregious and unmistakable there is no way to explain it away. In those cases, the candidate usually runs away and refuses to give interviews.

Being ‘Cracker Lite’ is All the Rage
It’s one thing to be aggressively ignorant, but it’s another to run from who you are and what you say.

Perhaps the most common scenario lately involves racism. Racism is hard to prove, but it’s like porn – you know it when you see – at least if you’re honest about it.

Provable or not, there are a lot more cases of possible racism now that all the angry white guys are trying to get back in with the voters and there’s an African American in the White House. It’s fashionable to be “cracker lite” these days. I vaguely recall that when George the Indifferent was President few people said things about him being dumb white cracker from Texas or question whether he was a closet Muslim, Kenyan escapee, or a socialist far to the left of Uncle Fidel. But now, mysteriously, these things keep happening and keep being denied.

Not all racially-tinged speech or behavior is clearly racist. Sometimes people just don’t think before they talk. Not all Tea Partiers are racists, although statistically there does seem to be a dearth of color at their rallies. Face it, if you were black, would you go to a rally with a bunch of people with whom you vehemently disagree?

Racist Tea Partier

WHAA?! - When in doubt, claim the other guy is the racist.

But sometimes, racism is unquestionable. I don’t believe that Sharron Angle, ignorant sow that she is, would say something like the clearly Latino people in her anti-immigration ads (BTW, since yanked from the web over copyright claims) possibly being Asians who cross the border from Canada, and then imply she is all Asiany herself…to a room full of Latinos. You don’t say things like that unless you are clearly and stupidly trying to draw attention away from your own asshatted agenda – at the expense of an ethnic group – or you really believe that claptrap.

Though granted it could be one or the other or both in Sharron’s case.

Then, there’s the case of David Bartholomew, Virginia Beach Republican party chair. He emailed a “joke” about a man trying to get welfare benefits for his dog.

The Lazy Black Dog Jumped Over the Fat White Cracker
“My Dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English, and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is,” goes the punchline. When called on it by some GOP bigs, Dipshit Dave resigned and hid in an undisclosed location to keep the email from becoming a “distraction”. To their credit, several Republicans spoke against the hate message.

But one, Gary Byler, a congressional district chair, left no doubt where he stood. Byler said he was “horrified” by the email, but that didn’t stop him from sticking his own racist boot in his mouth by saying Diamond Dave forwarded the email when, “he was first getting familiar with the Internet.” Losing a document is something a newbie does, sending racist emails “accidentally”? Not so much.

There were other apologists too. Independent candidate and former GOP swell, Kenny Golden, said Bartholomew was being thrown under the bus too quickly. “David would never do something like that on purpose.” Several GOPstoppers thought the Democrats were at fault for “blowing the email out of proportion.” And one suggested, “Oh, absolutely they are!” she said it was possible Bartholomew sent the email “for awareness,” what she characterized as “sending it to somebody and saying ‘look how pathetic people think this is.'”

Oh, heavens to Betsy!

Here’s the thing. If you say racist things and can’t come up with a better excuse than the dog ate my concept of equality, don’t say them. Better yet, if you say racist things, own up to them and don’t offer excuses.

Hell, there’s not even any reason to resign. Be a modern day David Duke. Stand up and be a proud racist. Tell people that darkies just aren’t for you. It’s the best PR move you could make.

If you’re pandering to racists, they’ll be happy to have you join the club. If not, voters will see you for who you are, not withstanding your hiding out with The Big Dick™ at the Undisclosed Quail Hunting Ranch and Whiskey Emporium. As Ben Franklin once said, “If you must fart, fart proudly.”

“If you must be a bigot, be a proud bigot.” We’ll all be happier.

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J’accuse! No More Punctuation Funny Stuff!!!

Signs of the Times

SIGNS OF THE TIMES! - Jeb Bush has gotten all huffy about candidate Deb Gianoulis stealing his font mojo! Still, there's no truth to the rumor that Jeb has trademarked the blue sky and God!!!

In a political season that’s farcical at best, it’s hard to beat Christine “The First Amendment Really Says That?” O’Donnell, Sharron “They All Look Alike to Me” Angle, or Daniel “Unhappy Hour” Webster for sheer laughs! But, someone has and unsurprisingly it’s a Bush – the supposed “smart” one, Jeb!

Jebster’s attorney, Willy Wiley Horton, sent a cease and desist order to Deborah Gianoulis, a former TV anchor running against state Republican party chair John Thrasher in Florida’s Senate District 8 race!

Her heinous crime: Violation of federal trademark law!

It seems the dangerous outlaw, “Kid” Gianoulis, had the unmitigated gall to put her name on a red background followed by an exclamation point!

“You appear to be using the same font and color scheme as has been used by the lawful owner [Bush] … for at least the past 16 years,” Horton exclaimed! He didn’t mention why this was any of Bush’s business since Gianoulis was running against some other Republican crapweasel!

Now it seems implausible that political signage – creative whirlwinds they are – are that easy to copyright! If you’re a Republican, your sign is red! If you’re a Democrat, your sign is blue! If you’re a girl, you wear a pink hairband! If you’re a boy, you wear blue Underoos!


VOTE FER JEB! - Kids, how many differences can you find in these two pictures?!!!

Your name appears in large, contrasting, bold letters as befitting any egotistical buffoon running for office! If you’re really wild and crazy you might festoon your eyesore with something evocative of a flag! Though oddly, never the flag itself!

Someone must have trademarked stars and stripes!

Oh, and contrary to popular belief, Obama campaign signs didn’t feature a hammer and sickle or Kenyan flag!

So here are the facts:

  • By my calculations, both signs appear to be the same color, except for lighting conditions, ink variations, color blindness, and whether you use Web-safe colors…just like a zillion other signs on the planet!
  • Despite Horton’s claim, the fonts are different in that subtle way that fonts often are! The differences are so slight it’s like doing the Sunday kid’s cartoon where you spot the number of mistakes in 2 nearly identical pictures! Hint for the clueless: Look at the “e”!
  • Aside from the general lameness of the language’s most useless punctuation, the exclamation point, it seems that Jeb is infringing on the trademark of Hamilton!, OH! Take that Jeb with your fancy, trademarked slanted “e”!
  • The Gianoulis campaign already stopped using the design quite some time ago – probably because of falling poll ratings for the goobs who couldn’t tell “Jeb!” from “Deb!”! Remember, this is a state where they can’t operate paper ballots!

The Gianoulis campaign responded to the kerfuffle, with “we have more important things to worry about, like the economy and education!”

Oh please DEB! You’ll never get anywhere in the political game thinking like that!!!!!!!!!!

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