Bestiality has existed as long as humans have roamed the planet. Apparently, it’s bounced around in the heads of at least two Republican politicos too.
In 2003, former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Toontown) suggested that repealing sodomy laws to decriminalize homosexual behavior would lead to “man-on-dog” sex. His position was supported by antiabortion activist and pea brain, Hadley Arkes who believes gay marriage will lead to “cross-species involvements.”
Birds Do It, Bees Do It, Even Uneducated Republicans Do It…
To a sentient being, it would seem that jumping from decriminalizing anal or oral sex – both of which are rumored to be practiced by some heterosexuals and maybe even some Republicans – leads to getting down and dirty with the family poodle or perhaps a tet a’ tet with a Venusuvian.
Let’s flash forward from the enlightened mindset of Santorum’s 2010 B.C. thinking to today. Sen. John “McThusela” McCain is battling former Congressloon J.D. Hayworth in the Arizona primaries. Hayworth has thought long and hard – no pun intended – about gay marriage and he doesn’t like it one bit. And after all that long and hard thinking – again, no pun intended – he’s joined the Santorum bandwagon, but with a twist, man-on-horse sex.
“You see, the Massachusetts Supreme Court, when it started this move toward same-sex marriage, actually defined marriage [as] – now get this – it defined marriage as simply, ‘the establishment of intimacy,'” as Hayworth put it.
“I don’t mean to be absurd about it, but I guess I can make the point of absurdity with an absurd point,” Hayworth absurdly continued. “I guess that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, I guess you could marry your horse. ”
An Absurd Point Made Absurdly by an Absurd Man
Aside from the fact that most states already have separate anti-sodomy and anti-bestiality laws that make the whole gay, animal loving, “intimacy” issue a moot point, his logic is “absurdly” flawless. However, he left out some other sexy shenanigans. How about people who marry inanimate objects? Or, the people who really do love their dogs or horses? Heck, what about Republicans who are up for a little man-on-man sex, without marriage and without “intimacy”? You don’t even have to go outside the party to consult a fetish expert, just ask Larry Vitter how the diapers are fitting these days.
I don’t condone bestiality. After all, it can’t be between two consenting adults because – logically – dogs and horses can’t talk. But unless some weirdo tries to stuff a 12 inch dong into a 2 inch dachshund hole, there’s little that will happen except a horse with a broken heart when the love dies.
Just once it would be nice for one of these jugheads or their half-wit “inter-species” spawn to cite actual scientific evidence that being gay makes you a dog humper, NAMBLA devotee, or serial rapist. In fact, it would be nice if they would take a break from humping Sarah Palin’s leg to explain how what gays do in the privacy of their own homes or horses do in the privacy of their barns has any effect on them and how they want to live.
Leave the bestiality claims to professionals like the SPCA or Greenpeace and for God’s sake, go back on your meds.
Like they say, just because you’re paranoid that a gay hamster fantasizes about gay sex doesn’t mean they aren’t actually fantasizing about you.
- J. D. Hayworth: I Am Schtoopid (littlegreenfootballs.com)
- Hayworth and horses (washingtonmonthly.com)
- Somewhat In Defense Of J. D. Hayworth (riehlworldview.com)
- Harold Ford’s ignorance on Lawrence v. Texas (dailykos.com)
- Rick Santorum Heading To Iowa, New Hampshire As Speculation About 2012 Bid Heats Up (huffingtonpost.com)