The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

Greeting card makers are the most imaginative marketers around. In their hands humdrum holidays like Halloween or Flag Day now have their own line of cards. There are cards for everyday events like “love”, “between friends”, or “just because”. Hell, they - with a little help from florists, their powerful allies in dreck - have invented entire holidays to stoke the fires of sentimental capitalism. Just think “Secretaries’ Day” or the more politically correct “Administrative Assistant’s Day”.

Despite the increasing obsolescence of paper-based communications the greeting card industry keeps cranking out schmaltz for grandma and cute bunnies for the kiddies. Even those adults for whom life is never a struggle - but simply an occasion to “turn that smile upside down” - can foist their cheery cuteness on unsuspecting scrooges for whom life is always a struggle. Can “Happy Homeless Day” be far behind (oops, that won’t work since they don’t have mailing addresses)? And forget about the terminally dour. Can you imagine The Big Dick chortling over a nice, sunny Vice President’s Day card? Kittens and the Constitution being fed into a wood chipper are more his speed. “Aw look Lynne, see at how the blood and fur just explodes out of the chute. It’s so beautiful it makes me want to go out and kill something.”

Surprise!
The newest addition to the myriad greetings and smooshy, glitterful sentiments is something a little less orthodox - “Congratulations! I just wanted to let you know (open card here) I’ve given you a sexually transmitted disease“!

I’ve never had an STD, so I’m only guessing here - but I assume telling someone you gave them a dose of the clap isn’t much fun. Especially when that special someone was the one-night recipient of woo pitched while standing upright against a lavatory wall or perhaps an overly needy mate who threatened suicide after you slipped away in the night. Sure, the card relieves you of the pain associated with fessing up to your ineptitude with a condom, but these people have feelings. I imagine they do anyway.

Smiling Toothsome Gorillas
Other than being a waste of time and money I don’t have a particular problem with greeting cards. I figure if a toothsome gorilla smiling at you while rubbing his crotch brightens your day, more power to you and the obviously unnaturally trouble-free life you must live. Go ahead, let the bats out for Halloween and tell the secretaries you’re thinking of them, even if you treat them like shit the remaining 364 days a year.

By coming up with this stealth method of sending bad news sans the responsibility of causing it, cardmakers reap a twofer and more. Not only do you splurge on a card to your former partner, but they, in turn, will probably take the same guilt-free approach with their partners. Given the six degrees of Kevin Bacon promiscuousness of people, cardmakers not only cashes in exponentially, but also bring new meaning to the phrase “fu*king like bunnies”.

So there you have it - clap as capitalism and doing the responsible thing without taking responsibility in one easy step. What could be so quintessentially American?

“Dear John: Roses are red, violets are blue, you’re an idiot, and Sarah is too. I gave you the clap and she will too.”

The Poobah is a featured contributor at Bring It On!

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