The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

When he ran for VP and campaigned for the Presidency, John Edwards carefully cultivated an image with more than a passing resemblance to John F. Kennedy. He was perpetually smiling and perfectly coiffed at all times. Both men were rich, but unlike JFK, Edwards’ wealth was self-made and he traded heavily on his personal story of overcoming a hardscrabble youth to become a contender for World’s Most Powerful Man. When his wife Elizabeth’s cancer relapsed, he was the quintessential picture of a devoted family man. He seemed like a golden boy, but for much of that time, John Edwards had a secret.

He had an affair.

There’s no doubt his peccadilloes are disappointing and provide plenty of ammunition for detractors shoot his way. In fact, Edwards even invited the shots. “I started to believe I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic. If you want to beat me up, feel free,” he invited.

I’m sure many people will.

I won’t be one of them.

BJs in the Oval Office
Yes, affairs are wrong. Bill Clinton knows. He paid dearly for his “sin”. But his wasn’t getting blow jobs in the Oval Office. He was impeached for lying to a grand jury. Many claimed his impeachment was a witch hunt over a tiny white lie. There’s merit to that charge, but he did break the law and in a pristine legal democracy he got what was coming to him - even if I think it was a gross misapplication of the law. Unfortunately, our current President feels perjuring himself about wars and torture doesn’t apply to his august arse. I’d argue his “sins” are much worse the Bill’s and if we’re really all about respecting the rule of law, war crimes ought to be good for at least a 30-year stay at the Leavenworth Hilton.

But I digress.

Before the morally indignant crowd cranks up the mud machine, consider this: Was Edwards’ affair any worse than the one pompous pious, Newt Gingrich, had while excoriating Clinton during his impeachment? Does it make it any worse that His Klassiness delivered divorce papers to his first wife - also his high school geometry teacher - while she was hospitalized after major surgery?

How about Johhny Walnuts? He likes to think of himself as a moral paragon. He conducted an affair with C. Trollop McCain and divorced his first wife because she had “changed” - becoming four inches shorter, on crutches, and much heavier - as a result of a devastating car accident while John was in the Hanoi Hilton.

The President’s Tallywhacker
The dishonor role is long. Politicians live a world of ass-kissing subordinates and plaster-caster power groupies who want to see the President’s tallywhacker up close and personal like. It’s easy to succumb to temptation and it’s especially tempting to lay into someone like Larry “Wide Stance” Craig when they do the down and dirty while preaching morality to the rest of us rubes.

Like it or not, Presidents are people. They’re subject to the same bipartisan failings as any other human. They sometimes have affairs, make errors on their taxes, or filch Krispie Kreme’s on the campaign trail when nobody’s looking. It’d be nice if they’d fess up when they’re caught with the Presidential Penis hanging out, but I can understand why many humans would try to fudge their way out of it too.

It’s none of the public’s business what politicians do in private. Larry Craig can play catcher to as many pitchers as he wants. David Vitter can visit as many hookers as he wants. Eliot Spitzer can ride bareback to his heart’s content. None of these acts have to affect their performance in office any more than it affects John Q. Citizen’s his work midway through a nasty divorce.

“God, It’s Pat Robertson on Line One”
I’m sure the 700 Club crowd will see this as dodging the bullet from a bad, bad democrat who could have been their President. Can you imagine? Pat Robertson would have found it necessary to call the Big Guy on the celestial cell phone and ask him to smite Edwards with a hurricane or plague of locusts. I’m sure they’d be happier than a pig in a pile of pig poop to cast stones at Edwards - while not tossing a pebble at the members of their own congregations stroking their jiggly bits.

Yes, Edwards was wrong, so were Newt, Walnuts, and Wide Stance. So were Jefferson, FDR, JFK, and Warren Harding. Hell, if Dubya weren’t such a douchebag he might be bumping uglies right now. They were stupid and in some cases hypocritical, but no more so than many of the fine, upstanding folks ready to condemn them. Whatever these men did between the sheets is between them, their families, and whatever God or redwood tree they pray to - period.

And I won’t condemn them for that.

The Poobah is a featured contributor at Bring It On!

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• Larry Shoots His Wad
• America Suffers a Sexual Indescretion Gap
• Self Loathing Turns to Scandal
• John Edwards Admits He Effed Around
• He’s Baaaack
• Lawyer of the Day (for Realz): John Edwards

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