The Energy Pixie’s Magic Wand July 18

Filed under Politics, Economics, Bush by Omnipotent Poobah | 1 comment

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Georgie Decides to Conservatate

The Energizer Economicizer held forth this week on the state of the economy. As usual, it was a sunny performance worthy of the Crawford High School production of Annie. It didn’t matter that Fed Chairman, Ben Bernacke, simultaneously disputed almost every point during his testimony before Congress. When the Big Dog sings, everything - including the economy and the sun - rises as he commands. And when it doesn’t, he simply pretends otherwise and returns to his comfy space pod from Rigel 12.

In one of his less lucid moments he claimed the free-market is forcefully pulling the Gas Price Sasquatch back in line. I’m not sure how he sees our current national pickle as a shining beacon of capitalistic triumph, but I don’t see how he comes to most of his other observations either.

Go figure.

According to Daddy Warbucks, the economy is just hunky dory, thank you very much. He thinks sky-high prices will cut demand for oil and will, in turn, drive prices down. He has a point about demand, but the idea that prices will eventually follow is longer than an Al Qaeda sniper’s shot. I certainly haven’t seen oil companies drafting plans to lower earnings estimates, stop dividends, and scale back CEO pay.

Racing Stretch Abrahms Tanks Through the Streets of Washington
He has the hare-brained notion that lowered demand deflates all rubber dingies equally. He sees a market that adjusts based on people like him - people who can afford to pay $100 a gallon to drag race their stretch Abrams tanks through the streets of Washington if they want. He doesn’t seem to realize those being squeezed most are the ones who can afford it least. For them, it’s gas at $4.59 per gallon or skipping inconsequential expenses like food, rent, and clothing.

YEEHAAAA! Ain’t that a demonstration of compassionate conservatism for ya!

He also took time to bash the democratic Congress for their piss-poor leadership. It’s scary, but I agree with him on this count. They’re a pitiful pack of curs congenitally unable to do anything requiring action. However, if we’re going to bash someone, let’s get a bigger stick and swing it wider. Every President and Congress of both parties since the 1970s gas crisis - including St. Ronnie of Reagan, and particularly Crapweasel 41 - should have their asses kicked. And let’s exhume the ones who’ve already shuffled off this mortal, oilless coil too. They deserve a posthumous application of size 10 wingtips to their previously well-upholsteredd asses as a warning to all the other sniveling cowards who might come along.

Magic Wands and Pixie Dust
Now that there’s an intractable crisis, the Oily Cowboy wants to sharpen the drill bits and head to the closest environmentally-sensitive area to drill - including those his own brother opposed as Florida governator. When reporters pressed him about his “strategery”, he reluctantly agreed that drilling would produce no oil for years, and when it did, would cover only a minuscule squirt onto our oily orgy. But even there, he found a silver lining. Drilling won’t help, but by golly it’ll change the “psychology” of the nation. Given his up close and personal experience with deviant psychology, I suppose I’ll yield to him here.

Shortly after blaming everyone else for the myriad problems of our “basically sound” economy, he bemoaned not having a magic wand to fix the many problems he just said we didn’t have. (I know that doesn’t make sense, but life in the 4th dimension isn’t like here in the real world - so stick with me.) His choice of a pixie wand to magically heal all is understandable though. He’s been saved by Mommy and Daddy’s “magic wands” every minute of his crap-stained life. Still, I find myself envious that I don’t have a magic wand either. I’d like one I could wave over the empty lot where my country used to live and chant, “I want to go home. I want to go home. Jesus Christ, I want to go home! ”

GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS HANDBASKET!

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1 comment

  1. daveawayfromhome Jul 18

    I’ve yet tot see a “solution” come from our “leadership” in Washington that isnt some variation of “find a new source of energy to be waste in the usual manner”. The amount of gas which will be added to our supplies from ANWAR could be simulated simply by bringing the speed limit down to 55.
    At a time when we need to change our way of life, the only solution that we seem to be getting from those in charge is to change the way we maintain the status quo.

    daveawayfromhome’s last blog post..reading assignment

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