The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

Update: No shit, who do you think helped him be so good at it?

Nancy Pelosi, damn your useless hide!

When you swept to power - well maybe not swept, more like a shuffle really - the democratic hopeful thought you’d be the savior, the leader of the vast left-wing conspiracy’s triumphant return to power. The champagne ran like beer at a Crawford picnic as you fiddled with the House gavel like it was a prized dildo. And you should know, you’ve been sucking down long, cool drafts of the Beer that Made Crapweasels Famous^TM ever since.

I’ve been keeping tabs on your career as Speaker of the House of Wax and I must say your failures are Bush-like in their breath-taking crapulence. In fact, if you didn’t cover your Adam’s apple with those scarves, I’d swear you were George in drag. But it was your first big decision that’s turned out to stain your reputation beyond repair - taking impeachment “off the table”.

Despite your rumored - but rarely seen - political acumen, you broke the cardinal rule that you never tell your foes what you may do next. You cleared the table and Bush and his merry band of rubber stampers sat down for a roast constitution feast served up by the most cowardly cast of Congresspussies in American history. Almost from the beginning, you failed to make even the meekest attempt to reign the conniving bastard in. In fact, whenever one of your fellow zombies got brave enough to question his majesty - even a little - you were Josephina on the spot to make sure nothing came of it.

“And the Winner of This Year’s Darwin Award…”
But now you’ve outdone yourself and I’m nominating you for a richly-deserved Darwin Award. Your failures in handling Dennis Kucinich’s impeachment bills casts you as Monica Lewinsky to the current Asshat-in-Chief, but you’re apparently so taken with his appendage of power you can’t see it.

Look, Dennis Kucinich holds about as much political power as Washington, DC’s non-voting congressional representative. The man spectacularly lost his Quixotic run for the Presidency and sees UFOs fer Chrissakes! What can he say that would endanger democracy or even the water-stained, cracked, and peeling veneer of your self-deluding “reputation” for demanding accountability?

Never mind, I answered my own question.

Dennis knows he’s not going to get an actual impeachment. He just wants to read into the record what most of the country already suspects - George Bush has committed more crimes and misdemeanors (or in his case, capital felonies) than Ken Star could shake a gavel at. Trust me, there’s nothing he could reveal that would be any worse than the open pit mine the frickin’ frat boy has already cast the nation into.

For some reason, you’re mule-ass committed to keeping “impeachment off the table”, but completely vacant when it comes to the accountability you promised. You quashed Dennis’s first impeachment attempt by herding together enough mange-ridden cats to keep his proposal off the floor. After giving the Great Nimrod plenty of additional time to make mischief and faced with Dennis’s handily won rebid - including 9 Republicans who pulled their fists out of their goatse holes (actual picture, very NSFW and disturbing) long enough to vote - you were forced to go along.

Crimes, What Crimes?
But your motto is, “If you can’t beat ‘em, screw ‘em” - which you lustily did by limiting the discussions to “abuses of power” while letting the crimes go undiscussed.

John Conyers’s committee may give Kucinich his bloody pulpit, but democrat-controlled committees only know how to stomp their feet and issue worthless subpoenas. Given the Republican obstructions at recent committee meetings, you can guarantee nothing of consequence will ever come out them.

So there’s another fine mess you got us into Nancy. You aided and abetted a suspected criminal. You made sure that whatever he did or didn’t do remains not only legally unproven, but not even discussed. It seems to me that your actions are impeachment-ripe too, and you have scads of time on your clock to give us a fighting chance to do to you what you’ve done for the country.

Don’t pick up the soap in the congressional gym showers.

The Poobah is a featured contributor at Bring It On!

Related articles

• Impeachment On The Table — But Not Up For Vote
• Can Nancy Wrangle the Cat Herd?
• The Cats Are Out of the Bag 
• Crapping on the Canapes
• Kucinich Impeachment Battle No Longer So Quixotic
• Did a New Poll Showing Congress with 9% Approval Spur Pelosi to Put Impeachment Back on the Table?
• Kucinich introduces article of impeachment against Bush.
• Nadler: In a ‘just system,’ Bush ‘would be impeached.’

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