The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

It’s been a long time since my last anger-filled screed. This unexpected development isn’t because there are no more topics worthy of long and vicious screeds, it’s because I’m feeling a little like a ripple wimpily expending itself on the placid shores of a pond. It’s hard to get all worked up when the crapstorms fly at you faster than a thick swarm of killer bees stinging the ass of a nudist. So, it’s time to apply a little WD-40 to the snarky joints and get back in the swing of things.

Be kind, I’m rusty.

• Not everything that happens to Barak Obama is about racism.
• Not everything that happens to John McCain is about being a war hero.
• Not everything that happens to Hillary Clinton is about sexism.
• “Experience” has little to do with all three.
• “Experience” has even less to do with Emperor Asshat’s crapulent performance either.
• That goes for Asshat 41 AND DOUBLE for Asshat 43.

• George Bush doesn’t hate black people.
• He hates anyone other than himself.
• Dick Cheney hates everyone.
• Even himself.
• And he’ll shoot you in the goddamn face to prove it.

• Brownie didn’t do a heckuva job.
• Neither did Hurricane George.
• He still hasn’t.

• You’re not unpatriotic if you don’t wear a flag pin, don’t know all the words to the Star Spangled Banner, or can’t hit the high notes when you sing it.
• You’re not unpatriotic by virtue of your political leanings or party affiliations.
• You ARE unpatriotic if you wrap yourself in the flag while dismantling the Constitution piece by piece.
• I don’t need to mention names.
• You assholes know who you are.

• Money isn’t the root of all evil.
• Greed is.
• Maybe unrestrained fundamentalist religion is too.
• It’s a toss up.

• Cutting up your credit cards because they “got you in trouble” is stupid.
• It’s like cutting off the boyfriend’s penis because his underage girlfriend is pregnant.
• The immediate cause of the problem is gone, but the baby still needs to be taken care of.

• People who bought houses bigger than they could afford are at fault for losing them.
• So are the loan sharks who talked them into it.
• So are the investors in the loan-sharking scams.
• And while we’re at it, the political leaders who encouraged the conditions that caused the fiasco are more guilty than the other three put together.
• Wait, there’s one more…the CEOs who ran the loan-sharking scams who profited when everyone was looking the other way and then feigned ignorance when the house of cards fell down.
• Let’s double that last one for collecting huge bonuses on the both the upside and downside of the market they created.

• Capitalism’s basic principle is greed.
• We only get what we pay for.

• The surge is working.
• In the same way that garden-variety Middle Eastern ceasefire/peace initiatives always work.
• Or at least in the same way that combat operations are complete in Iraq.
• Wait for it, you’ll get the joke.
• Those “combat operations” that are part of the surge are merely love taps.
• Hardly noticeable, really.
• What’s a little civil war between friends?

• You can lead a dictatorship to freedom, but you can’t make it drink.
• Despite what a neo-con will tell you.
• Especially if the neo-con’s name is Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, or Feith.
• Thricely so if said neo-con wrote a self-aggrandizing book blaming everyone else because they failed to check his disastrous work.
• Neo-cons are dangerous asshats, not your friends.

• “Good television” does not consist of watching people lie, cheat, and steal to stay on a desert island no sane person would go to in the first place.
• I hope they all get dysentery.
• Watching people take a piss via hidden camera in a locked down house named for a George Orwell character isn’t so great either.
• That goes double for any show mentioning the names Flava Flav, Tila Tequila, Lil’ Brat, or Simon Cowell.
• Double damnation for letting Paula Abdul on the air at all.
• God, smite those involved in any way with reality television.
• Let’s throw in Pat Robertson too.
• I’ll give up atheism if you do.

• True screeds are written by brilliant authors.
• This is not a screed.
• It’s more of a snarky miff.
• Hunter Thompson laughs at this “screed” from his grave.
• At least I’d be honored if he did.

The Poobah is a featured contributor at Bring It On!

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