The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

I have pretty low expectations of a Presidential campaign. If I didn’t, I’d never vote. So it’s pretty astounding when a candidate can break through the glass floor of my dramatically reduced expectations. This week, John McCain took a jackhammer to my E3 glass.

Negative campaigning is nothing new, but it’s is one of the worst things to come upon the American political scene since the Redcoats showed up on the Concord Green. It hijacks what little civility is left in the halls of power, alienates and divides the nation, and virtually every piece of legislation - from FISA to a proclamation in favor of National Birdseed Week - is fraught with the lamest, most destructive bickering and political toxicity.

But come on John…Britney Spears? That doesn’t even meet the oily standards of negative campaigning. It’s just pathetic.

Even though there’s a slim-to-none chance I’ll vote for you, I still want you to be a good candidate. I want you to raise legitimate issues and battle Obama with the best of what you are. And surely, comparing Obama to Britney doesn’t qualify. I want this even though I want you to lose. I want this because I value a forum of ideas and constructive opposition, not a campaign that more closely parallel’s a Sixth Grade Class President runoff than a Presidential campaign. What’s next, are you going to accuse Obama of stealing crayons behind the teacher’s back?

No doubt there’ve been dubious things said and done on both sides of this campaign, but most of them have been of the boundary-pushing variety that seems to extend out a little farther each political season. In my opinion, your recent ads jump the shark, not only because they’re beneath you and your valid political contributions, but because they’re just sophomoric idiocy.

John, you’re making yourself exactly what you fear people think of you - a raving old coot who’s mean, vindictive, and out of control. You lost your first bid for the White House by being unable to control your temper and you’ve had dozens of celebrated dust-ups since. It’s the 3 AM Phone Call Syndrome.

Who the hell wants the man holding his finger on the button raving about rock star pols and psychologically troubled strumpets?

John, get back to rational campaigning, even if you aren’t very good at it. Propose drilling enough holes in the planet to deflate it like a beach ball after an encounter with an acupuncturist. Talk about how the war must be won - even if you can’t define what “won” means. Decry Obama’s lack of experience, the dubious value of permanent tax cuts, and why torture is ever OK (I admit you stumped me with that flip-flop). Those are all fair game. But for the love of God (even the evil-tempered fundamentalist one)…

Pull your head out. You won’t find the keys to the White House up there.

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Just a few weeks ago, Pope Barack was praised far and wide as a top-notch speechifier. His ability to inspire people helped propel him from relative obscurity to WH contender as his campaign events became more like mini-Woodstocks than run-of-the-mill stump speeches. Meanwhile, McCain - a graduate of the Big Dick Cheney Running and Gunning School - sat on America’s front porch and emptied an automatic weapon into his foot. It’s still a valid comparison, by the tide has reversed.

Barack’s trip to the Middle East and Europe was seen by many as presumptuous in the extreme. In response, Team McCain whined like a kid relieved of his ice cream cone by the school bully. Wah! A visit to Ye Olde Sausage House is too more newsworthy than Barack addressing 250,000 on the world stage. Wah! Obama hates the troops. Wah! Obama is responsible for the price of oil, guaranteed the fall of Israel, and refused to change his opinion about the Splurge. McCain introduced an entirely new school of campaigning - the Mommy, Look at Me school.

And like compliant Mommies, everyone did.

These days, Obama is looking more like an audaciously hopeful new messiah - piss-proud and unable to communicate with the great unwashed. McCain is embracing his inner Dub. He’s the man you’d like to have a beer with, even if you have to ignore the fact he’s a mean old coot. In an election where “experience” is the buzz word, both men are proving there’s no lack of lack of campaign experience in either camp.

Obama needs to deguild the Midas touch in favor of the common touch. McCain needs to get geography lessons and learn to use the same talking points as his campaign. Despite the wonks’ self-absorbed view, presidential campaigns aren’t won or lost on detailed policy positions - most voters decide based on who seems like the best regular Joe.

The polls are all over the map. Even different Gallup polls done at the same time can’t agree on who’s winning or losing. That’s because neither candidate has found his own consistent voice and the public is down-right schizophrenic about what they want - a sure measure of how our country has been divided, not united.

Thanks George.

Both candidates have made tiny steps to the middle, mostly by alienating their bases. It’s fine if they want to run as moderates, but they should be honest about it instead of taking a Larry Craig-wide stance to bridge the gap. They need to look in the mirror each morning and ask this question, “Do I sound like a Jane Austen scholar or a mush-mouthed incompetent like the mullethead I’m trying to replace?” Remember, if yoour delivery sucks it doesn’t matter what your ideas are. The public votes for the candidate who is as comfortable drinking beer as champagne.

Fellas, do you want me to freshen those drinks up for you?

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Many call George Bush the Imperial President - although he thinks he’s more of a new messiah fella. I prefer to call him the Optional President. He behaves as if the law is nothing more than a rough guideline he can opt into or out of like a failed bank’s bogus privacy policy. With the democrats now in charge, he most often opts out via veto. Back when the Republicans controlled Congress he opted out by signing statements (including against some laws he actually signed) and then refused to explain why he shouldn’t be covered by the laws of the nation - a small problem he opted out of with over-broad claims of Executive Privilege. Now it looks like he’s dispensed with the burdensome paperwork altogether and decided to just flip off Congress without the pretense of veto or signing statement.

Since the War of Error^TM started, Daddy Warbucks has financed his Middle East Crusades using accounting reminiscent of Fannie May and Freddie Mac. The Asshat Mac Optional Budget Model is so ingenious it gives don’t tax and spend conservatives wet dreams. The model’s ingenuity is it’s simplicity - a simple plan for a simple man. He just opts out of war expenditures to make his anorexic economic figures look merely anemic. His latest budget comes in at $482 billion - up from $413 billion in 2004 - without including the $80 billion and climbing cost of the war.

That’s one hell of an opt out.

I’m confident many taxpayers would love to opt-out of mortgage payments on their defaulting loans. In fact, Freddie Mac and Fannie May would no doubt like it too. But they aren’t allowed to bypass Congressional mandates to budget as they see fit. Apparently, WaMu has higher accounting standards than the Office of the President.

As his administration winds down and the media questions just how lame the lame duck is, he’s proving that the devastation he’s inflicted on the country will go on until his last moments in office. Putting St. Ronnie of Reagan (patron saint of morons) to shame, he’s managed to substantially rollback environmental controls, sell off the country to foreign governments and multinationals, and wrecked a bizillion trail bikes because his safety helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes … just to name a few gigantic cockups. By leaving the next administration his record $482 billion deficit and sinking us so far into the Mesopotamian muck we’ll take generations to escape, he demonstrated how much a man with so little can “accomplish” so much. He’s truly a powerhouse idjit.

It’s a nice pipe dream to think about what might have been if voters had awakened to smell the coffee back in 2004, but it doesn’t really matter in then end. By 2004, he’d already dug the hole halfway to China and it really doesn’t matter all that much if he emerges from the completed hole just in time for the Olympic opening ceremonies. It’s amazing how “all them purty flags” draw him like flies on Crawford cow flop.

If you believe a McCainomaniacal administration will be better, you should get your nose fixed. There’s a pot of Starbucks’ Special Blend on and you’re not smelling it - even now. If you’re backing the O-Man or are a frustrated Naderite nee Clintonista, there’s a pot brewing for you too. It doesn’t matter who wins in November. Whoever it is will be widow’s peak high in shite and no matter how good they are, a hole all the way to China is tough to fill in.

Man, I wish I could opt out of this mess. It seems only fair since George did.

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