The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

Word comes from Iraq today that the often ineffective and undependable Iraqi police have finally found a law they’re competent to enforce - the seat belt law.

Traffic commander Brigadier General Zuhair Abada Mraweh, has announced that next month his over-stretched, thin blue line will crack down on unbuckled drivers (the law inexplicably doesn’t apply to passengers like ride-along kidnap victims) to the tune of 15,000 dinars - or about $12.50 - a pop. Mraweh sees this as an important step in his war-torn country. “It is part of the healing process of this country and of Baghdad to enforce the law, law by law,” he reasoned. And there’s also the side-benefit that if you’re buckled in, your torso doesn’t fly as far if your car runs over an IED.

In a country where blood runs in the streets, residents look for anything that conveys a feeling of civilization, no matter how small. “It is a symbol of civilization,” said taxi driver Ahmed Wahayid. “Western people in Europe and America have it, so we are like them.” Well Ahmed, we have laws against torture, ut our President doesn’t bother with them much. Civilization is relative my Iraqi brother and don’t wish too hard to be like Europeans and Americans, you might get your wish.

Mraweh is ticked off by the uncivil driving behavior of Blackwater mercenaries too. They apparently drive like barflies after a New Year’s Eve party and throw things at people walking down the street. Sometimes - like Saddam was so fond of doing - they even shoot in the air to clear the road. Mraweh doesn’t mention their nasty habit of just shooting the people in front of them to clear traffic. I guess he’s just on the traffic beat and some other cop will investigate well-armed road rage murders right after he clears the backlog of bodies already strewn up and down the streets. Civilization is indeed relative it would seem.

This is a humorous story in so many ways, but it’s also testament to how we have so completely turned his country upside down. Bushes Greater and Lesser promised for years to help Iraqis throw off the bonds of the tyrant Saddam, but what they didn’t mention was their utter lack of the brains bestowed on a Tigris River mosquito. They overthrew him alright - along with America too - besotted with grandiose plans for a shining beacon of freedom in a lawless part of the world. Now after five years, it seems all we’ve been able to accomplish for the tens of thousands of lives and trillions of dollars spent is a country when wearing a seat belt is a mark of civilization and cars exploding willy-nilly is just another day at the precinct. I guess that now the Iraqis have learned to buckle up, it’s time for us to stand down.

Mission accomplished indeed.

The Poobah is a featured contributor at Bring It On!

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