The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

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OMIGOD! Penguins are raving homos!

I always thought something was weird with that whole lying on your belly and sliding around thing. What happens when Roy Penguin stops short to avoid a polar bear and Silo Penguin can’t stop in time, ending up on Roy’s back? It all starts with a feathery wiggle, jiggly bits “accidentally” fall into place, and suddenly Rick Santorum books a flight for Antarctica to hold a news conference deploring man on penguin sex. There hasn’t been such a flightless flap over the tuxedo-clad birds since Berkeley Breathed introduced Opus, the sexually ambiguous penguin from Bloom County.

Loudon County, VA school officials recently received a complaint about the book And Tango Makes Three, a “real-life story” about Roy and Silo, two tea-bagging, er, chinstrap penguins that become parents to little chick Tango. According to the book, “Roy and Silo were a little bit different than the boy and girl penguins who noticed each other and became couples. Wherever Roy went, Silo went too.” I can see how that story might sound like some icy feather/leather-fetish bar in Greenwich Village.

Filth like this must not stand!

There Are Other Blockheads Too
Just to be fair, the good folks of Loudon County weren’t the only ones to see the book as a blatant attempt to legalize same -sex partnerships. It’s also been banned in Shiloh, Ill. and Charlotte, NC. and it topped the American Library Association’s 2006 list of banned or challenged books.

Technically, the Loudon school board didn’t ban the book. After a Solomon-like “split decision”, they pulled the book from elementary school shelves and placed it in the “professional collection”. Along with instructional texts, the books that only parents or teachers can check out. But in a stunning display of progressive thinking, they left the dangerous book in the general collection of one middle school and two high schools, apparently in an attempt to improve reading levels amongt the middle and high school students hungering for a racy read.

There’s no word yet on when the First Annual Homosexual Prom is scheduled for Loudon County High.

Becoming the Holy of Holies
Today’s WaPo also carried a piece entitled, The Dumbing Of America: Call Me a Snob, but Really, We’re a Nation of Dunces. It’s hard to quibble with that premise as we weather a primary season with candidates trying to out-holy one another. Hucklebechuckle loves to tout his knowledge of the sciences by swearing on a stack of Old Testament Bibles that people have only inhabited the Earth for 10,000 years. Mittens was driven from the field partially because he believes in the Angel Maroni, a certified cult leader if I ever saw one. John McCain had to explain that he converted to the conservative Baptist church years ago, despite his official biographies placing him in the Episcopal church, a known den of faggot-lovin’ “libruls”. All of them, democan or republicrat, have taken to wearing their crucifixes on their sleeves to show how godly they all are. All in all, it dosen’t give me a lot of hope that Americans will be joining the 21st Century anytime soon.

Perhaps we should all take a cue from Opus when he’s feeling stressed. Let’s put on our best Minnie Pearl-flowered hat, lay down in the daises, and cloud-watch for awhile.

That doesn’t make me gay does it?

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