The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

Who Knew Crazy Pamela Anderson was so Hairy? - Look, it even has scars, just like the real thing. I hate competitive people though.

Kickin’ Ass & Takin’ Names - Sure, they’re tough guys, but I could throw down and take ‘em…OW MY EYE!, MY EYE!

A PSA for the (Young) Ages - The scourge of the playground set.

Vee Haff Vays Uff Making You Bark - Colonel Klink lives!

Sleep On! - They’re not “cramped” they’re “cozy”.

It Seems So Real on Screen - I wrote a script once. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done…no pun intended.

“I Enjoy Being a Girl” - Personally, I’d go for “diamonds are a girl’s best friend“.

Gettin’ All Philosophical on Their Ass - I hate it when the attack ads start.

Cleanliness is Next to Assfaceliness - And there he stood, fresh and clean, in all his sartorial splendor.

Cum On Out and Vote - A happy electorate is a committed electorate.

Billy, the Vet Took Him to Live on a Farm in the Country - Death is always such a sad affair, eh, Always Aroused Girl? (NSFW) No Billy, he really is at the farm.

Truth in Advertising - No wonder the kid wanted one in A Christmas Story.

Mini-Size Me - McDonalds introduces their super low cholesterol/low calorie burger.

The Land of the Rising Weird - Why do so many of these things come from Japan?

I’ll Say Yes Regis and That’s My Final Answer - Some people make Who Wants to be a Millionaire contestants look positively brilliant.

I Feel So Much Safer Now - New Rapper MC Dubya rocks the house.

Who Moved My Hamburger? - How much do you leave your cow for a tip? (H/T to the Hedonistic Pleasureseeker)

Chocophillia - Sure they’re doctors. Sure they’re just checking out adolescent balls. What is this, the Larry Craig Memorial Hospital?

Suppose it’s shortly before the 2004 election. Presidential hopeful John Kerry is leaving a campaign appearance in Amarillo, TX where there’s a large crowd eager to see him. His limo stops on the airport tarmac and he steps out for a little glad-handing along the police line.

The Secret Service doesn’t pre-screen his crowds as it does President Bush’s. Kerry’s crowds are mixed and attract both supporters and hecklers. One heckler in the crowd holds a sign that says, “Kerry is a moran”.

As he shake hands with the crowd, a small, tightly-wound man lunges forward and fires three times at Kerry with a pistol. Wounded, Kerry drops to the ground and Secret Service agents try to grab the shooter. Despite the agents’ best efforts, the wiry little man lunges to within a few feet of Kerry. Suddenly, an explosion rips the air.

Time stands still. The shooter is vaporized along with two agents struggling with him at the time of the explosion. Shrapnel spreads in all directions, killing at least 10 people. Initial reports say one deadly shard rips through the body of the Secret Service agent protecting Kerry. It exits the agent’s body and goes into Kerry’s neck, where it severs his spinal cord. Kerry dies on an operating table several hours later.

The Setup Begins
Within hours, Bush holds a press conference to announce the NSA has intercepted radio traffic that proves beyond doubt that al Qaeda is responsible for the attack. He praises Kerry as a patriotic American who gave his life in the War on Terror. He vows to round up the terrorists and dispense some frontier justice. The public will not see or hear from the president for several weeks. His press office will handle every question by saying they can’t comment on an incident under investigation. However, no formal probe has been planned or launched.

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Unlike Pakistan, American’s live in a culture where political assassinations - at least the violent kind - are mercifully rare. We can usually depend on an orderly transfer of our ever-lengthening national to-do list from one nitwit to another every few years without bloodshed. But as Benazir Bhutto’s assassination shows, trying to create and run a democracy is no easy feat - despite what neocons would have you believe.

Modern-style democracies are relatively rare and few countries that try them on for size stick with them more than a few violence-wracked years. Americans have been at it longer than most and we still haven’t perfected it. Our democracy survives as much because we’re too disorganized and lazy to do anything else than because we’re all similarly dedicated to high-minded principles, open debate, and honoring our fellow citizens.

The life cycle of democracies have eerie parallels in the Creationism/Darwinism debate. True to their right-wing roots, neocons are the Democracy Creationists. To them, it’s a simple matter of a powerful, benevolent, and unseen hand chucking out the evil despot du jour and waiting a few weeks for a Democratic Garden of Eden to spring magically from the fertile earth just as foretold in the Holy Briefing Papers. Throw down a little seed, sprinkle some water, and you’re good to go.

‘Real Men’ Don’t Believe in Evolution
Neocons don’t believe in that evolution crap. Their Democratic Gardens of Eden will thrive because beings with unfathomable wisdom and beneficence will guide their development. Playing the part of God will be Donald Rumsfeld on Broadway and Paul Wolfowitz in the road show. Adam and Eve will be played by body bags.

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