The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

There are many things you can blame on the Crapweasel-in-Chief, but the absence of peace in the Middle East isn’t one of them. Several generations of administrations - all with more diplomatic talent and common sense than the Bush cabal - have tried to broker a peace and failed. Given that the Middle East is riven by so many hard-headed, evil factions intent on killing each other, that’s no surprise, but at least the other administrations tried. George? He was too busy choking on pretzels and falling off Segways to be bothered.

Now, after the seven longest years of our lives, he wants to give Middle East peace a whirl. Many observers think his sudden interest is driven by concern for his legacy. I don’t think so. He hasn’t gotten past the Cs on his remedial vocabulary list yet and “legacy” is much too big a word for him to know. More likely, Condi hit him upside the head with a 2X4 until he learned there was a Middle East.

Let’s Give it Up for Ehu Elmo and Mahoomed Abbas!
In true Bushian fashion, he called a meeting between Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas. George pledged to be “actively engaged” in the talks, an engagement that apparently consisted of showing up to introduce the two men as “Ehud Elmo” and “Mahoomed Abbas” and setting up a nice spread that Presidential Spokesbabe, Dana Perino, referred to as “an after party”.

Far be it for me to criticize his studied disinterest. I’m just as glad he hasn’t gotten more involved. In fact, I’d be happier still if he’d just drop it completely until he takes Barney for his last ride in Marine One. With his stunning record of diplomatic accomplishments, the world would be safer without his “good” works.

Low Expectations
It’s no secret that many observers set the bar breathtakingly low for this summit - so low Bush has no expectations to live up to. We’ll be lucky if we escape it without a shooting war started over Shrub trying to feed Abbas a pulled pork sandwich at the “after party”. Yes, expectations are that low.

However, George has an uncanny knack of beating the low expectations that have been his pitiful life-long yardstick. He manages to get many things done and get them done shockingly effectively. Who would’ve guessed he’d stack the government with such a plethora of loons it’ll take years to root all of them out? What about that whole rewrite the Constitution thing? Who saw that coming? What a about a deficit that Captain Kirk and Spock will still be paying off in the 25th Century? By these standards, Georgie is a sort of an overachiever - or perhaps overachieving underachiever is more correct. In fact, that’s what I expect will be his true legacy:

“Here lies George Walker Bush, a man who selflessly and consistently lowered himself below the most microscopic of expectations. Thanks for making the rest of us look so damn good by comparison”.

According to the Germans, the US is a depressed Superpower. I certainly won’t argue that the country isn’t in a fowl mood these days, but all superpowers eventually wane and that’s where we are on the socio-governmental growth charts. It’s a tough job to stay on top and no country has ever figured out how to hold on to the superpower mojo permanently - just ask the Brits why the sun now sets 24 times each day on what used to be the British Empire.

The German magazine Der Spiegel thinks we’re depressed because we were once a country full of optimism, hope, and adolescent energy. We ran around the world smiting evil and freeing people from the grasp of despotic rulers. We took in anyone who wanted to come and taught them the Pledge of Allegiance. Now, we suffer from our own despot, our borders leak like rusty sieves, and it’s time to break out the Fuckitol to battle our malaise.

First world countries have historically liked us in the way they love puppies while they tear their slippers to shreds. You want to kick the crap out of them, but they’re just so damn cute. They’ve traditionally been indulgent, although patronizing, in dealing with us. In World Wars I and II, that worked well. They got themselves into a fight they couldn’t quite back away from and the US stepped in to sort it out. The result was an American vision of the cavalry riding to the rescue and a European resentment at doing something they were unable to do for themselves. There was also a vision in which everyone wanted something from the US, but wanted to get it exactly the way they wanted it, no strings attached.

Motives as Pure as the Driven Coal
In the heady days after WWII, the US did stride the world like a colossus. We put up blocks to the expansion of soviet influence while simultaneously rebuilding the wrecked economies of Europe and Asia while feeding them too. We like to remember that time as one of pure motives driven by American generosity and nothing else. But the US has never done anything where their own agenda didn’t come first.

Did we rebuild Japanese factories and start buying Toyotas because of some sense of generosity? Of course not. We did it because it was economically expedient for business and consumers in both countries. The whole generosity angle sounded so … Christian … so earnest and wholesome. We’ve since learned a bit about playing to the illusion of goodness and charity while ignoring the cold facts behind the happy masks. Give a man a Honda and all he’ll smile and say thank you. Teach him how to build a Honda and he’ll wipe out your industrial base.

The same is true of our battle against the godless commies. To keep up appearances, Americans liked to see it as a white hats vs. black hats. Communism bad. Capitalism (although we really liked confusing it with democracy) good. That charade allowed us to grow both economies based on a hot war footing and all we had to do was look the other way while the CIA or KGB offed someone or strung them up by the thumbs using piano wire. So what if we had to prop up some odious little dick-tator to keep things in balance.

Banana Bread for the Commies
From WWII to the 70s, most Americans didn’t have to worry about much except unlikely doomsday scenarios. The Russians would never have stood a chance if they attacked. We’d have met them landing on the Jersey Shore with hot banana bread and presigned McDonalds franchise agreements and they would have given up. Americans like to give St. Ronnie of Hollywood credit for bringing down the Berlin wall, but all he did was give it a little shove while it teetered on the brink. What really brought it down was the slow realization that all this “good” stuff we were doing didn’t look so swell when it went wrong. Korea. Vietnam. Huge deficits. Social upheaval. What brought us down was the same thing that brings all superpowers down - sometimes their citizens begin to believe their own PR.

No, the reason Americans are depressed isn’t because of our failures. We’re depressed because we have to look in the mirror every morning and see what we’ve become. And trust me on this one…it ain’t a pretty sight.

Ron Paul may be a funny little man from Texas who’s a bit of a crackpot and is aces at fund raising for his quixotic bid for the White House, but by gum, he’s sewn up the biggest unclaimed voting block still overlooked by the assorted dunderheads he’s opposing.

That’s right, Ron Paul has sewn up the hooker vote!

Pimpin’ For Paul
Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch (NSFW) and erstwhile star of the HBO “documentary” (watch out Ken Burns) Cathouse 2: Back in the Saddle, likes Paul’s position on regulating prostitution - especially the part about there not actually being any regulation. Hoping to put his money - or rather the girls’ money - where his mouth is, Hof plans to pimp a little bit for his man Paul. “I’ll get all the (working girls) together, and we can raise him some money. I’ll put up a collection box outside the door. They can drop in $1, $5 contributions,” Hof said.

Dennis, ones and fives? That’s all you’re asking from guys who have $300 to blow (pardon the expression) on BJs from porn stars? Dennis, dude, you have a lot to learn about politics. If you want Paul to win, you should be renting the gals out to lobbyists and telling them there’s more where that came from if they’ll chip in to your man’s campaign.

The libertarianish Paul is certainly a mixed bag candidate. He’s vehemently opposed to government regulation, yet as a devout Christian, he opposes abortion. Now some of the bunnies down to the ol’ Bunny Ranch probably have first-hand experience with the abortion issue and I’m betting that they’ll see his opposition to abortion as just another form of government regulation just like those he decries. His position is, after all, just the government regulating the personal choices of women.

The Hookers are the Educated Ones
Educated voters are never single issue, one trick pony voters. They like to hear something from everyone before they make up their minds. Apparently, Hof’s companions, the pneumatic Air Force Amy and Brooke Taylor, have just the right mind set. Neither of them has made a final decision.

But perhaps the oddest thing about these odd bedfellas is that one of the oddest bedfellas of all, Tucker Carlson, introduced the men. “Dennis Hof is a good friend of mine, so when we got to Nevada, I decided to call him up and see if he wanted to come check this guy out,” Carlson said. Carlson is traveling with Hof to collect information on a magazine article.

Given Tucker’s bow-tied nebbishness, I suspect the information he’s collecting would be just as easy to gather if Hof comped him a visit with Air Force Amy.

Either way, Paul has my vote because this is the best dodge I’ve ever seen to get laid for free.