McCain: Cockroach-in-Chief? April 4
To hear some tell it, the vultures are circling John McCain’s presidential bid. Crazed by the smell of blood in their beaks, they forget we’ve seen McCain flameouts before. They also forget he keeps bouncing back with the resiliency of Bill Clinton - or a cockroach.
Everyone knows about McCain’s vacation at the Hanoi Hilton - his supporters never let’s anyone forget it. In a war known more for its failures than its successes, McCain was a ray of heroic sunshine. He withstood the type of torture and abuse that Gitmo waterboarding only hints at and managed to come back in more or less one piece. But McCain’s had other disasters.
Shot Down While on the Ground
In 1967, while waiting for takeoff aboard the USS Forrestal, another aircraft accidentally fired a missile straight into MacCain’s jet. The resulting fireball singed young John’s ass and almost sunk the ship. Many sailors died and the ship suffered such heavy damage it had to return for repairs.
He bounced back - albeit to be shot down later in the war.
The Cheating Keating 5
Parleying his hero status into an election to Congress, McCain suffered a much less heroic fate as a member of the Keating Five. Many thought the five were political toast, but McCain pulled on his cockroach costume again. In an unusual move, he embraced the implications of the scandal and slept with strange bedfellow and uber-liberal Russ Finegold to produce the McCain-Finegold campaign finance reform bill. McCain-Finegold remains one of the few serious efforts at stemming the tsunami of money from special interests, but it’s success is a little cloudy. If dirty money keeps rolling in at its current exponential rate, the entire US economy will be based on campaign financing by 2008.
He’s bounced back again, just look at the reformed loot spilling out of his cockroach costume.
The Forked Tongue Express
In 2000, McCain hopped aboard Straight Talk Express I and toured the country bashing George Bush and giving genuinely funny interviews to Jon Stewart. For awhile, he was the darling of the Republican crowd. Then, he entered a string of dubious foot-in-mouth moments followed by an embarrassing “I love you maaaan!” hug for arch enemy Bush at the convention.
Since then, he’s been busy pandering to anyone who’ll listen and rehabilitating himself in a way that would make Nixon apologists proud. Straight Talk II is on the road again and he’s singing the Don’t Cut and Run blues to a catchy flip-flop backbeat. Still, he’s not getting much traction against Mormon Mitt and America’s Mayor so the vultures are gathering.
A Kafkaesque Metamorphosis
However, Snake-Bit John may still pull off a Kafkaesque metamorphosis. Mormon Mitt is having trouble keeping his stories straight - he’s no doubt been drinking the evil stimulant coffee again - and America’s Mayor has the most dysfunctional family since the Clintons, Carters, or Kennedys. Dragging Capo Kerik and his mob connections along, he’s cementing the reputation of the Republicans as the biggest campaign incompetents around.
If and when those two go down, Cockroach John will be standing by, ready to drive the Forked Tongue Express into the White House garage. So, word to the vultures…
You might want to roost for awhile. Johnny Comeback may still get his meat into the freezer before it becomes spoiled road kill.
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Peacechick Mary Apr 4
I understand that the people of Arizona are taking up a collection to get him to move to another state or another country. I think he would do well as a citizen of Iraq as he would feel so safe there.
rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 Apr 4
foreign policy would be a snap, as he’s so short tempered, he would nuke anyone who blinked at us. other than higher levels of radiation in the atmosphere, we would be living high on the hog with mcfang.
daveawayfromhome Apr 4
I was okay with McCain a year or so ago, he seemed like a straight-talker (no, really) and not part of the nutty center of the Republican candy bar. Then he voted in favor of torture, and suddenly it was like one of those pictures of snow on a mountain which suddenly becomes a photo of a cow next to a tree. Boom! Instant hypocritical shit-heel.
Cheer up, maybe Huckabee will win. He doesnt seem too wacko. Or maybe Brownback, he’s completely nuts and surely cannot win (and if he does, we’ll know the fix is in).
Incidentally, I’m not one of those who sees the Republican party as doomed for now. Democrats have gotten quite good at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, and they’ve yet to do anything to convince me that they’ve grown some true cajones or leadership ability. With two-thirds of the country thinking he’s a craphound, they ought to be kicking Bush’s ass all around D.C., and I dont see that happening yet. Until they do, they’re not firmly seated in power, as far as I’m concerned, and I hate the Republican Party.
sumo Apr 5
I feel terrible that he has come to this juncture in his life.
pissed off patricia Apr 5
He’s not a cat and he doesn’t have nine lives. I think this time his political future has hit a brick wall and it was all his own doing.
Dr. Zaius Apr 5
I agree. I can’t stand McCain, the man has become a simpering sycophant. He is having spinning around like a dancing bear trying please all of the people he formally stood up to.
That said, saying things like “Everyone knows about McCain’s vacation at the Hanoi Hilton” might be a bit strong, might not be the right message to send. McCain served his country well, and perhaps we should not besmirch that. Swift boating is best left to the Republicans and their junkyard dogs. As I recall, McCain defended Kerry against those attacks.
I love the picture you posted! He looks like a mad scientist.
Regarding the upcoming rebellion, me and my army of simian robot ninjas are ready to go!
JollyRoger Apr 5
McClueless would do well to stop listening to the cactuses in his back yard. They are giving him some really bad advice.
Flimsy Sanity Apr 6
I thought he was one of the few that condemned torture.
Omnipotent Poobah Apr 6
Mary,
Hey, he could become Craaaaaazy Johnny, the Discount Rug King of the Middle East!
Rev,
Well, um, there is that I suppose.
Dave,
The other third thinks he’s a craphound too, they’re just not smart enough not to sleep in their own shit.
Sumo,
It’s sad to say, but I think he blew through that junction a long time ago.
Doc,
The “vacation” line was more of a toss off that in hindsight probably was a bit harsh. That said, I agree he comported himself well in trying circumstances and no matter how loony he may be now, you can’t take that away from him.
Jolly,
I have the same problem with my talking eucalyptus tree.
FS,
He did, but you’ll also remember that he crafted the “compromise” that allowed it to continue if the Crapweasel-in-Chief thought it was a good idea.
Bit of a mixed message there I think.
Janice Apr 7
Oh Great Poobah,
Maybe John McCain has a target tattooed on his butt and he doesn’t know it.
J