A Poobagram For The Masses

I’d like to let everyone know that I’ve been asked to become a regular contributor at Bring It On! Pretty exciting stuff for a minor Deity from a small, backwoods corner of the Heavens.

The plan is that I’ll be the featured post about twice per month on Thursday, beginning June 8 and will contribute several smaller pieces on Tuesdays and Thursdays that will appear on the front page.

For now, I’m not planning to make any changes here. I’ve become fond of all you mugs and can’t bear to leave. But, you never know what might happen.

I’m not the only one jumping aboard the Bring It On! bandwagon. Several other folks joined at the same time as me, and they are all pundilicious. Stop by and give them a read.

Thanks for all of your support so far. You’ve made me the God I am today.

The Republican Bill of Wrongs

We the Overlords of the United States, in Order to form a Union that most benefits us, establish fundamentalist Justice, insure tax-cuts, provide for Iraq’s defense, promote the general Welfare of the top 1 percent of wage earners, and secure the blessings of our own personal Lord and Savior who you ignore at your own peril, do impose and dictate this revised Constitution of the United States of America.

Amendment I

Congress shall pass only those laws in agreement with the Christian Bible and compel the exercise thereof unless that religion is of the Jewish or Islamic faith. Congress shall abridge the freedom of speech or of the press at every opportunity as determined by less than one-third of the people. Congress shall also discourage the people from assemblage unless that assembly is in support of abortion or denigrates homosexuals.

Amendment II

An unregulated Militia, being necessary to guard our sacred borders from those hordes of smelly Mexicans, shall not infringe the right of the deranged to keep and bear Automatic Weapons.

Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peace, be paid a livable wage, nor in time of war, to end his enlistment at the originally agreed upon time.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures does not exist. No Warrants shall issue and if warrants are issued shall be ignored by shoving said Warrant up an ACLU member’s ass as he is forced to cluck like a chicken.

Amendment V

All persons held to answer for an alleged terrorist crime, shall be held until they die or are coerced into a confession, whichever comes first. No law shall prohibit that person from being transferred to foreign nations until a confession is gained by force.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall have no right to a speedy and public trial nor to an impartial jury, especially if that person is of Arab descent. The accused shall never be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation because he is already Guilty as sin.

Amendment VII

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy is the Presidency, the right of trial by chad-picking shall be preserved.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall be required, excessive fines imposed, and cruel and unusual punishments be inflicted because dirty thieves deserve what they get.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall be construed to deny and disparage others such as fags, ragheads, Jew Boys, and other Godless Heathens.

Amendment X

Powers are not delegated to the people by the Constitution, but are reserved to the President, because he obviously knows best, Hey, he’s the President!

Amendment XI

No further amendments or alterations to this document shall be permitted because it was created in the image of George Bush and is obviously perfect as ratified.

Haven’t We Been Around This Corner Before?

GPS mapping devices are a popular option in many new cars. With a click of a button and a quick look at the screen you can know, within a few yards, exactly where you are and where you need to go next. It’s a pity the Presidential limo doesn’t have one of these newfangled things.

Each time something happens in Iraq, Lord Bush and his cabal tries to spin it for us. At some point in their twirling monologues, you’re likely to hear the now-familiar phrase, “it’s a signal that we’ve turned another corner in Iraq”.

By my count, we’ve turned about eleventy-seven billion corners already. What the hell is Iraq, some sort of rat maze sans the comfort of cheese and shredded newspapers? Think about it. If you went for a Sunday drive and turned as many corners as we have in Iraq, you might as well have just stayed home. By now, you’d either be hopelessly lost or have arrived back in your own driveway by sheer lotto-beating luck.

Like they say, “No matter where you go, there you are.”

Ol’ Daniel Bush seems to have eyed a new corner leading us out of his wilderness. The Pentagon has announced they are moving a 3500-man brigade into Iraq to “temporarily” bolster the forces of the Coalition of the Inept. Meanwhile, Iraqis are hurling road bombs, suicide bombs, sectarian bombs, and probably stink bombs at our hapless troops caught in the crossfire.

Of course, this comes as no surprise to anyone except George and his Gang Who Couldn’t Straight. Everyone else – well, at least 2/3 of everyone else – knows this isn’t a corner. It’s a brick wall and they’re getting mighty tired of the pain caused from banging their collective heads against it.

A few months back, he said we’d turned a corner because the Iraqis voted. Aside from a populace with purple stained fingers, it didn’t amount to much. But, it was a corner turned, to be sure.

After several months of storming out of meetings and assorted infighting, the Iraqi Prime Minister heard his Mommy calling for dinner and promptly quit and went home. Surprise! Another corner turned.

Then, the Iraqis formed a government that immediately announced that it couldn’t agree on several top ministers, but what the hell, they’d press on anyway. Yet another corner turned.

Shortly afterward, we looked up and saw the glittery disco ball of spin starting to accelerate. “Pssst. Look over here. We’ll have the troops home by the end of the year. Really, it’s a slam dunk.” New corner turned? Not so much. Instead they said, “Send in the brigade and put the Christmas stockings away boys, it looks like we’re not going home like we thought.”

Since 9/11, we’ve turned enough corners to make us look like Bush’s fishing line on a perch expedition. He has one of his expensive, hand-tied flies stuck to his ass and furiously yanks away at his line, accomplishing nothing but tying himself up tighter and tighter. I can only imagine what a laugh Osama and the perch get out of this. Hell, I’d be laughing myself, but I’m too depressed by it all.

It appears George never learned one of the cardinal rules of fishing – some days they just aren’t biting. And when that happens, a smart angler knows to cut his line and wait for a better day. Instead, George just cusses and tries to untie his fishy mess, making things that much worse. He blindly fights on against the stubbornly knotted line and never does untie it, until . . . BANG! He runs headlong into a tight corner that puts another knot on his shockingly thick head.

So, I reckon it’s time for us to do something. Something like turn around to George in the back seat and yell, “George, stop it this instant! Don’t make me come back there and stop this war!