The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

The White House press corps excoriated Press Secretary Scott McClellan yesterday during a no cameras allowed briefing on the shooting incident involving Vice President Dick Cheney. This is a transcript of the briefing:

McClellan: I’ll start today’s briefing with a short explanation of the events and then we’ll take a few questions, provided they don’t actually require me to provide any actual information.

Vice President Cheney accidentally shot 78-year old Harry Whittington in the face and chest on Saturday morning while both men were part of a quail hunting party in Armstrong, Texas. Harry is a longtime associate of the Vice President and contributor to many Republican political causes. Due to the valiant life-saving efforts of Vice President Cheney - who single-handedly, and at great personal risk, performed an emergency apendectomy in the corn field where the accident occurred. Happily, Harry survived because of the Vice President’s selflessness, so that his donations to a wide variety of Republican causes will continue unabated.

Now for a few questions.

David Gregory (NBC): Scott, why the apendectomy when the victim suffered a gun shot wound to the face and chest?

McClellan: The War on Terror is the top priority of this White House and we will not rest until those responsible are brought to justice. Also, we need tax cuts and Social Security reform.

Gregory: Um, Scott, that wasn’t the question. Why did the Vice President perform a medical procedure for which he is not qualified on a man who obviously needed different treatment?

McClellan: David your accusation is patently false and I take great umbrage at the implication that Mr. Cheney did anything other than what was right and proper for the circumstances. Also, the War on Terror is a huge success.

Would you like to take this outside? I didn’t think so.

Next question?

Helen Thomas (Hearst): Scott, why did you not call on me first, as is the tradition here in the briefing room. And as a followup, why did it take more than 18 hours to inform the media about this incident?

McClellan: Helen, Helen, Helen. Dear sweet Helen. You are one of the hardest working members of the White House press corps - the Grande Dame if you will - and we really appreciate your questions and input.

Next question?

Oops, I forgot - War on Terror.

Now we can take the next question.

Suzanne Malveaux (CNN): Scott, can you tell us a little about what happened after the incident?

McClellan: Suzanne,, I’ve got to say that you are one hot babe. My mother keeps asking me when we’re going out. I told her all about us you know.

I just love your dark hair, those dusky eyes, that mocha skin. I think we could really get it on. O’Reilly tells me the loofa does wonders.

Malveaux: Huh, you (unintelligible) hole? You obviously didn’t hear the question. Would you like me to repeat it?

McClellan: Dear God no, Suzanne. I wouldn’t inconvenience one who has become the light and entire purpose of my boring and pathetic life. The woman who I want to bear my children.

Excuse my distraction. Yes, the question.

After performing the apendectomy, Vice President Cheney and his party rode in their custom super-charged stretch Hummers to an undisclosed location for dinner. The engines of all 36 vehicles were left running as a special favor to our friends in Saudi Arabia. We value their unequivocal support in the War on Terror.

I’m also told that the party was served a lunch consisting of a trussed Mr. Whittington with an apple in his mouth. The main course was served with a side order of Potatoe ala Quayle, one of Mr. Cheney’s favorite dishes - after whole fresh kitten in cream sauce of course.

The Vice President unfortunately carved off one of Mr. Whittington’s ears and ate it before being told the Mr. Whittington was a guest rather than the entree. Mr. Cheney emphasizes that he eats all meats that he takes during a hunt because “waste not, want not” is his rule - except when it comes to offering government contracts to his friends. There he believes wastage is a patriotic imperative that keeps the hunt for weapons of mass destruction alive in Iraq.

Malveaux: Scott, a followup. How did Mr. Whittington react when the Vice President cut off and consumed his ear?

McClellan: Suzanne you dusky wench, Mr. Whittington expressed his thankfulness to the Vice President, fell to his knees and kissed the Vice President’s ring. He then offered a generous donation to the Republication National Party. I’m told the donation was in the form of small denomination, random serial bills with, unfortunately, a small amount of Mr. Whittington’s blood on them. They will be fully laundered - if you know what I mean (winking) - before they are spent.

Carl Cameron (Fox News): Scott, we know the Vice President is constantly hounded by a liberal media cabal intent on destroying this administrations’ near perfect - excuse me, perfect - record on everything from the new prescription drug plan to the War on Terror. I just find this inexcusable.

McClellan: Carl, we appreciate your support for the administration and completely agree that any problems we may have encountered, especially those along the Gulf Coast, can be blamed on unpatriotic and obstructionist liberals who are opposed to the Constitution of the United States and the law of God, who created us all no matter what Darwin says - the big Pootiehead.

Did everyone get that quote or should I slow down?

Did you have a question? I like your questions Carl. They’re all so very illuminating.

Cameron: No Scott. No question. I just wanted to put that comment out there to balance out the obvious left wing liberal stance in the questions all these other Pinkos of the Press ask.

Don Gonyea (NPR): Scott! Scott! What effect will the shooting have on people of color? It’s apparent that many people of color were viscously murdered by the administration during the riots in New Orleans. Your policies target blacks, latinos, and native indigenous peoples on a racial-cleansing basis not seen since the Holocaust or the Rape of Nanking. What do you have to say to these people who, after all, are just innocent victims yearning to be free?

McClellan: We don’t take questions from commie pinko fags. Shut your yap or I’ll have you dragged out of here and fed to the dogs. I’m telling you that Barney has some sharp-assed teeth. I know. He’s bit me quite a few times.

Suzanne, how you doing over there?

Malveaux: Mac, stop stalking me you pig! WHAT A CREEP!

McClellan: I can take one more question before we wrap things up.
Gregory, Thomas, Malveaux, Cameron, Gonyea, et al: Scott! Hey Scott! I’ve got a question. No me! Me! Over here! Helen, get out of my way you ignorant slut! (sound of chair being thrown…sound of gunfire…the President briefly enters the room, dodges several bullets, and tries to leave through a locked door before taking cover under the podium).

Bush (from under podium): Hi, ya’ll. Just passin’ through to say War on Terror, War on Terror. But I see yer bizzy so ah’ll just hide under this here podium and take ah nap till yer done a-scrappin.

Malveaux: (Ripping open her top to expose her breasts) Scott, over here you burning hunk of missionary-style sex on a stick! I’ve got a question! Take me! Take me! Anything for an interview!

McClellan: OK, since there are no more questions I think we can all leave now - except for you Suzanne. For you, a personal interview. Wear the leather corset Condi gave you this time. I love the leather corset. Ohh, and the stilletos. Don’t forget the stilletos.

Oh, and don’t forget. War on Terror.

Thank you all for coming.

(End of Transcript)

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