Please Excuse the Dust

We’re in the process of moving to a new template for the Omnipotent Poobah Speaks. Please excuse the dust as we tweak here and tweak there. We know it’s annoying for you, but imagine how annoying it is for us.

In any case, we hope you’ll like the changes after we work out all the kinks. In the meantime, if you see something that doesn’t work or have suggestions, leave us a comment to let us know.

And now, back to our regular programming.

Thanks! Thanks! We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Thanks!


It’s the day after Thanksgiving and the world is returning to normal. The shopping malls are stuffed tighter than Dick Cheney’s belly after a campaign trail rubber chicken meal. Hackers are busily back at work propagating the latest version of digital hell. Even Karl and Scooter are still on the hot seat. In short, it’s back to a normal Friday.

That’s the thing about Peace on Earth holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, et al. No matter how much thanks you’ve been giving, the harsh reality of a new day torn asunder by war, disaster, and greed always returns right on schedule.

We’re sure the more optimistic of you will stop and give thanks for this new day. But us, we’re a little less profligate in how much thanks we toss about. We’re less about thanks and more about, how the hell did we get into this handbasket and why are we going there? Some might say this is a glass half empty observation, while terminal optimists would say it’s a glass half full. We prefer to think of it as a half a glass outlook – one that simply states a reality instead of twisting it to please ourselves.

One of the reasons we fell out of the religious fold of our youth was an observation about the several congregations to which we belonged – all too often the congregants came to church to feel good rather than to do good. For a great many, simply showing up, making the right noises, and thanking Jesus at the end of the service was enough. They could go home and be the same asshats they were the other six days of the week, but do it with a clear conscience.

Quite often, the secular folks were no better. Many of them spent their time making money with little thought about how what they did affected others. They felt it was perfectly OK to lecture workers about necessary layoffs and sharing the pain, but only after making sure they had their own jobs, pensions, and bonuses secure. Fell some trees, dig a pit, poison some water? That was OK as long as they got theirs up front – in cash or easily convertible stocks. They are living, walking proof that religion isn’t the only refuge of maladjusted, there are plenty of them in corporate suites around the world too.

So what do you do to keep from sinking in the pit along with them? How do you do something and feel good about it while staying honest and true to yourself? Where should you apply your “thanks”?

Here’s what we recommend:

Be thankful you have a mind, and then use it. Whether you think some omnipotent being – don’t look at us – endowed you with it or some prehistoric lizard morphed it into you, or you just sprouted up in the bathroom mildew overnight, give thanks that you have it. It’s an essential tool and the only thing that stands between you and the just plain “tools”. And for that, you can be truly thankful.

Well, If We Must – Our Thanksgiving Message For You

We’re not really your normal holiday celebrating deity. We don’t demand our followers attend fancy services. We don’t feel the need to send cards, make telephone calls, or call for peace on Earth. It probably wouldn’t do any good even if we did. In fact, we only did yesterday’s Thanksgiving list because everyone else does it. Although, we can still hear Mother Poobah saying, “If the other omnipotent kids decided to walk on water does that mean you have to too?

While there are a great many things we dislike about holidays in general and Thanksgiving in particular, there are other things we rather enjoy about them too. In the case of Thanksgiving, it is the quiet.

For a single day, the throngs of cars on the roads thin. The low-rumbled din of traffic and airliners and commuter trains becomes a whisper. Most people head indoors and prepare themselves for the annual calorie-fest. Afterwards, the majority have the good sense to curl up in a comfy chair, unbuckle their too-tight belts, and sigh while tryptophan-induced dreams dance in their heads. Sure there are a few asshats that have too much to drink and take potshots at one another, but it weren’t for them, where would Cops get its material?

Even the Web is an unusually quiet place. The Big Blogs take the day off. The News Blogs cut back so their scriveners can enjoy the day with their families. Perhaps the only virtual places that are busy on Thanksgiving are the shopping sites. We imagine Wal-Mart made about a billion dollars in the time it took us to type this sentence for instance.

So it could be a much worse holiday. Christmas, now there’s is a stinker, with it’s big buildup, all the pressure, the expense, and tension. We’re not Jewish, but we’ve been told that Hanukkah can be a snooze-fest too. We’re not sure which holiday Hindus love to hate, but we’re sure there must be one.

So what is our Thanksgiving message for you and the rest of the human race?

  • Enjoy the downtime, there’s precious little of it.
  • Eat as much as you want, regardless of what the killjoys want you to think about starving kids in Africa – your food would be spoiled by the time it got there and they probably don’t like turkey anyway.
  • If you must feel guilty, send an extra big check to the charity of your choice – in fact, do this even if you don’t feel guilty because its the least you can do you great lump of turkey lard and green bean casserole.
  • Be happy, and if you can’t be happy, at least don’t feel unhappy.

Oh, and one more thing. Save some stuffing for us, because we love that stuff almost more than life itself – the regular kind, not the fancy chestnut kind.