The Evil Minions of Cable TV

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Companies no longer need to provide good service, they need only suck marginally less than their competitors.

— Omnipotent Poobah, 2005

As omnipotent beings go, we’re usually quite laid back. We promised, at an early age, to use our powers only for good, but sometimes our aversion to smiting the deserving is greatly tested.

This morning we had a rather vociferous “discussion” with one of the Minions of Evil in Comast’s billing department. It was the third try to straighten out a billing problem that has existed since our credit card was stolen and we had to change the number on all of our accounts. We won’t go into the gory details of incompetence, but the evil disembodied voice on the call kept trying to lecture us on proper behavior by constantly interrupting us when we were pontificating. We have few buttons to push, but she successfully found one of them and continued to push it like a doorman on crack.

After some dignified shouting, she agreed to our request for a supervisor with a relieved tone in her voice. However, the supervisor was as powerless as his drone to give assurances there would be no fourth bite at the incompetence apple. They claim the problem has now been cleared up, but they said that the first three times too. If we need a fifth attempt, we will feel completely justified in responding with suitable omnipotent rath.

Being a reflective sort of deity we thought about the call afterwards. There is no question that we entered the discussion on heightened alert, ready to pounce. It’s also equally clear that the minion and supervisor were powerless to do anything other than absorb our omnipotent displeasure. But who does that leave to blame, or more importantly, who can actually fix the problem?

It seems to us that the most logical place is at the top of the corporate food chain, with the CEO. We’re sure that Comcast CEO Brian Roberts is handsomely paid. We’re sure that part of the way he gets handsomely paid is to “save” money at all levels of the operation. But here’s the catch, what happens when all the savings become a loss?

Things can go to hell when you’re too busy minding cash flow instead of the store – a fact that our national CEO, George W. Outsourcing and his Evil Minions, prove on a daily basis. But perhaps the most idiotic thing about billing systems problems is this…when they are dysfunctional your customers are reduced to having to beg you to take their money. This, in effect, rubs their nose in the fact that you raise prices and reduce service as often as a hooker has sex and then demand they pay for the privilege of catching the hooker’s case of clap. Not surprisingly, this leads to low customer satisfaction (or “really pissed off customers” in the jargon of the industry).

We suppose we should feel bad about the thorough going over we gave the minion and supervisor, and we do on a personal level. We treated them shamefully. However, when we call Comcast we don’t get to speak to good King Brian and discuss things dios a dios. Instead, we must talk to the most junior minions in all of King Brian’s realm. We find this situation quite unsatisfactory. That’s why we propose this solution:

When having problems such as ours, contact the Top Dog whenever possible. Hurl your thunderbolts at them. Ravage them in every way possible, because what they do is the true transgression…cowering behind minimum wage pawns and multiple level bureaucracy as they count their money and escape responsibility.

So, Mr. Brian Roberts, CEO of Comcast…if we have to call again about this be forewarned, we’ll be skipping the low wage minions and dropping the steaming turd directly on your shiny mahogany desk next time. After all, that’s what you are paid $(insert unbelievably huge number here) for.

We just want to help you with your job.

8 thoughts on “The Evil Minions of Cable TV

  1. I got high speed cable connection for my computer. My cousin was over and he told me that his friend ran a cable off of the computer cable directly to his tv and got free cable. Yes, it worked here. Bad news is there is nothing on said TV worth watching except Frontline.

  2. Scratchings,

    Thanks for the tips. I’ve actually used most of them on a variety of service providers from insurance companies to rental car companies and can vouch for them working most of the time. But alas, these require patience, something I have so little of. Besides, it so much more fun to humiliate the CEO. I don’t know, it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside 🙂

    Stop by again any time.

  3. There is more that you can do when confronted with this type of poor customer service. Contact the City that holds the franchise and file your complaint with them. The city will contact the provider and make then make good on their promise. You can also contact and file a complaint with the FCC. The service contract that the city holds on Comcast (or any MSO – multi-service provider)requires them to live up to the standards of Customer Service. You can also escalate your complaint when calling Comcast by demanding you speak to the Legal SVP or General Manager. Tell them all that you will be filing a complaint with the city AND the FCC. That will make some heads turn. Hope this helps. I like your blog.

  4. Gabe,

    I’m not sure about them being slightly less evil, in some cases administration officials ARE cable company officials.

    Dave,

    I’d glad save some turds for the guys at Delphi, but I don’t think I can shit enough turds to cover them and all the other suits who do similar things. Perhaps we need a national Shit-a-Thon to reaise the requisite turds.

  5. “But here’s the catch, what happens when all the savings become a loss?” Ask the Big Boys at Delphi, who, as I understand it, are getting bonuses even as they file for bankruptcy and ask their workers to take a 60% pay cut.
    Save some turds for them, please.

    I’ve got Comcast, too, and if I werent so lazy, I’d have dumped their ass long ago (but then I’d have to watch the kids all the time). Buy a DVD/VHS player (about the cost of one month of cable), then get a library card and a Netflix account. Or read a good book or twenty.

  6. It’s not so much work when we’re pissed off. It took about 30 minutes. That’s the difference between Comcast and us. We work fast and cheap. They work slow and expensive.

  7. Hahaha! I for one would love to see the turd on his mahogany desk… great post! Wow, I’m impressed with how much work you put into this post.

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