The Omnipotent Contrarian Speaks!

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We love to be contrarian, and Lord knows, the world loves contrarians. That’s why we’re going in the opposite direction from the IraqPlamegateScooter CrashBush Is A General Idiot news to bring you a little roundup of some of the less visible, but infinitely more important news of the day.

First up, did you know that Mr. Sulu was gay?

  • I Love the Ears, Spock Darling – In what should be classified as the most obvious trip out of the closet since Richard Chamberlain’s, Star Trek’s Mr. Sulu has joined the ranks of the out and proud crowd by copping to his 18-year relationship with his partner. The turning point? He has an upcoming part in an LA production of Equus (okaaaaay). No word yet on when CNN’s Anderson Cooper and Fox’s Shep Smith will beam out of the closet. However, as a certified Deity, we’d be happy to marry any of the star-studded couples just to piss off the knuckleheads in the anti-gay marriage crowd.
  • Hi. Welcome to Wal-Mart!Wal-Mart is one huge company with one huge identity crisis. Company officials, who recently suggested to their hiring managers that they should hire younger, healthier workers to cut costs – sorry all you octogenarian Wal-Mart greeters – doesn’t understand why everyone hates them. Aside from dominating the retail landscape like a voracious steam shovel in a strip-mine, building stores at a rate that would turn Starbuck’s green with envy, and steamrolling local opposition and unionization attempts at every turn, we can’t understand it either. But no matter, the Wal-Mart suits are on the case with a make-nice/feel good PR campaign. Our recommendation: just be nice and people will feel good about you. It works much better than spin. Just ask Scooter how spin worked for him.
  • Somethin’ for Nuthin’ and Even the Chicks Ain’t Free – Another benchmark in corporate altruism has been set by the Bank of America, which now charges customers a fee if their ATMs refuse a transaction. After finding ways to place a fee on everything else, can it be long before the banks start charging for the air in their lobbies? We hope the bankers don’t read this.
  • Smoke From Our Ear-ers, Dant, Dant, Da, Dant, Dant, Da Da – The Hard Rock Café in Melbourne is sponsoring an attempt to beat the record for the most guitarists ever playing the same song (Smoke on the Water). Hello? Why not Freebird? Yaaah, Dude!
  • It’s Not the Twinkie Defense, But It Might Work – Lawyers for a 21-year old student in Hamilton, Ontario have hit on a novel way to beat a rap that he sexually assaulted another student at McMaster University – his dick was too big. Using visual aids like a plastic penis, “experts” said it was so big that it would have caused damage if wielded against an unaroused victim. The alleged perpetrator apparently thinks highly of himself too, referring to his outsized member as his “two by four”. We drive a Hummer, it’s a “four by four”. Sorry, we couldn’t resist.
  • Trick or Trea…Hey WTF?! – A St. Petersburg couple has stumbled on just what every little trick or treater wants in their goodie bag for Halloween – mints with scriptures printed on the wrapper or bookmarks and pencils. “We’re planting a seed in their heart,” Bill Malone said. “When they take their bag of goodies home and turn it upside down, out comes their little Bibles. And maybe they’ll start to read the Bible. And God…will bring their seed to germination.” We’re thinking that this whole “seed” thing has gone on a generation or two too long in the Malone family already.
  • You Can Use It For Anything – And in other Halloween news, an eighth-grade Tim Allen wannabe must have picked up a few tips from reruns of Home Improvement. He made a duct tape version of a Batman costume. No word on how he’ll get the sticky costume off, but you might want to buy stock in Goo-Gone.

So there you have it. No Scooter news. No Bush news. Nothing but pure, unadulterated fun.

We must go now. Our work here is done.

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