And In Other News…

Trust us. We know the big news of the day is the selection of a new sacrificial lamb…er, Supreme Court nominee. We know there will be zillions of posts about it. And, we know we hate crowds. That’s why we’re again following our contrarian bent and going for something a little less political. Besides, there’ll be plenty of time to take a swipe or two later after the crowds die down.

First up:

  • Handyman’s Delight, Good Location, Only $1.2 Million! – In a sign that California isn’t the only place with skyrocketing housing prices, a 700 sq. ft. bungalow in the Las Vegas suburb of Naked City is going for an asking price of $1.2 million. It’s a bit of a fixer upper, with Feliz Navidad painted on the front windows, landscaping consisting of four shriveled cacti and a patio piled with empty cat food boxes. Why so much? Location, location, location of course. It sits on a strip of wasteland directly in the path of Vegas’ building boom. Originally purchased for $30,ooo in 1978 it was taken off the market when an offer of $350,000 didn’t attract any interest five yeas ago. Perhaps it might be a good little love nest for Siegfried and Roy?
  • Osama, Phone Home – The British Foreign Office is investigating the loss of a satellite phone in Iraq after insurgents ran up an $890,000 phone bill. We think they need to look into one of those “unlimited minutes plans” before they hand any more of those things out. The roaming charges must be murder.
  • In Which He Takes the Phrase “Bugger Me” Too Literally – In other news from the British Isles, a drunk who claimed he was raped by a dog has been jailed. Martin Hoyle was arrested after a passing motorist found a Staffordshire bull terrier, named Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in West Yorkshire. Hoyle, “mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him,” said the local prosecutor. Yes, but was it love or lust? Still, this does beat the old “the dog ate my homework” excuse.
  • Steady On, It Wasn’t Dog Porn For Chrissake – In yet another British-based story, a mail order porn shop was recently fined £4,000 because a female customer complained a final video cut didn’t contain the explicit scenes depicted on the box. Hmm, all John Ashcroft ever did was try to shut pornographers down. We think we like this consumer protection angle better. By the way, the punchline is that the suit was filed in the town of – wait for it – Dorking. Bud-da-bump.
  • Weapons of Mass Distraction Captured – Police in the Iranian city of Bojnourd have apparently captured 65 weapons of mass distraction – titillating mannequins from the local bazaar. Police said it was part of a larger offensive against vandalism and biker gangs. We’re not sure we see the connection, but we are sure this is a sign of hope in the continuing War on Terror. Imagine the scene as US cargo planes airdrop sexy mannequins over a town and wait for the vandals and bikers to be overcome by pent up sexual frustration. Why they could just walk right in and take the place over in the chaos.
  • And Now on the Food Network – The Poobah regards the world as nothing but a mammoth grocery store. The more exotic the food the better. Wood grubs…tasty! Haggis…top notch! Snake…delicioussssss! As a public service, here are the seven most disgusting foods according to MSNBC. How many have you tried?
  • Just a Republican Gigolo – A Texas Republican candidate for the House recently came up with the bright idea of raising cash by going on $25 “fun dates” with contributors. Unaware of the potential downside, he canceled his plans after receiving negative feedback. “I will drop the dating thing completely. No money for ‘dating me.’ But I’ll still accept your contributions as a friendly thing,” said the 24-year old. “Friendly”? No word yet on how many broken hearts he left behind, but we assume there were quite a few. After all, where else can a girl get a gigolo (he’s anti-gay) for $25 a pop?
  • SOOOOOOOO-EEEEEE! – In a similar vein, Newsweek reports that a new dating Website for farmers is helping out the rural love lorn. One prospective dater said she couldn’t find a man able to connect with a ranch gal like her. Her reasoning? “I’m looking for a guy who can bait his own hook,” she says. Fellow romantic and site customer, John Price, who hasn’t had a date in 18 months said, “I’d go out on a date once with just about anyone.” Yup. Them’s mighty good pickin’s. We wonder if ranch gals Jenna and Barbara are signed up yet?

So that’s it for another edition of the Poobah Speaks. Good night. Good luck. And don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Tech Tags:

As We See It – Version 7.0

So newsworthy. So photogenic. Washington’s full of stars, many of them falling. Here’s the news as we see it:

He May Be a Nit-Wit, But He’s Her Nit-Wit

Chuck and Camilla Take the Heat Off Their American Cousins

Pssst! Cheese It, It’s the Cops!

Hindsight’s Always 20/20 When You’re the Big Dick

Some Days It Just Seems Like No One Loves You

Next!

The Omnipotent Contrarian Speaks!

We love to be contrarian, and Lord knows, the world loves contrarians. That’s why we’re going in the opposite direction from the IraqPlamegateScooter CrashBush Is A General Idiot news to bring you a little roundup of some of the less visible, but infinitely more important news of the day.

First up, did you know that Mr. Sulu was gay?

  • I Love the Ears, Spock Darling – In what should be classified as the most obvious trip out of the closet since Richard Chamberlain’s, Star Trek’s Mr. Sulu has joined the ranks of the out and proud crowd by copping to his 18-year relationship with his partner. The turning point? He has an upcoming part in an LA production of Equus (okaaaaay). No word yet on when CNN’s Anderson Cooper and Fox’s Shep Smith will beam out of the closet. However, as a certified Deity, we’d be happy to marry any of the star-studded couples just to piss off the knuckleheads in the anti-gay marriage crowd.
  • Hi. Welcome to Wal-Mart!Wal-Mart is one huge company with one huge identity crisis. Company officials, who recently suggested to their hiring managers that they should hire younger, healthier workers to cut costs – sorry all you octogenarian Wal-Mart greeters – doesn’t understand why everyone hates them. Aside from dominating the retail landscape like a voracious steam shovel in a strip-mine, building stores at a rate that would turn Starbuck’s green with envy, and steamrolling local opposition and unionization attempts at every turn, we can’t understand it either. But no matter, the Wal-Mart suits are on the case with a make-nice/feel good PR campaign. Our recommendation: just be nice and people will feel good about you. It works much better than spin. Just ask Scooter how spin worked for him.
  • Somethin’ for Nuthin’ and Even the Chicks Ain’t Free – Another benchmark in corporate altruism has been set by the Bank of America, which now charges customers a fee if their ATMs refuse a transaction. After finding ways to place a fee on everything else, can it be long before the banks start charging for the air in their lobbies? We hope the bankers don’t read this.
  • Smoke From Our Ear-ers, Dant, Dant, Da, Dant, Dant, Da Da – The Hard Rock Café in Melbourne is sponsoring an attempt to beat the record for the most guitarists ever playing the same song (Smoke on the Water). Hello? Why not Freebird? Yaaah, Dude!
  • It’s Not the Twinkie Defense, But It Might Work – Lawyers for a 21-year old student in Hamilton, Ontario have hit on a novel way to beat a rap that he sexually assaulted another student at McMaster University – his dick was too big. Using visual aids like a plastic penis, “experts” said it was so big that it would have caused damage if wielded against an unaroused victim. The alleged perpetrator apparently thinks highly of himself too, referring to his outsized member as his “two by four”. We drive a Hummer, it’s a “four by four”. Sorry, we couldn’t resist.
  • Trick or Trea…Hey WTF?! – A St. Petersburg couple has stumbled on just what every little trick or treater wants in their goodie bag for Halloween – mints with scriptures printed on the wrapper or bookmarks and pencils. “We’re planting a seed in their heart,” Bill Malone said. “When they take their bag of goodies home and turn it upside down, out comes their little Bibles. And maybe they’ll start to read the Bible. And God…will bring their seed to germination.” We’re thinking that this whole “seed” thing has gone on a generation or two too long in the Malone family already.
  • You Can Use It For Anything – And in other Halloween news, an eighth-grade Tim Allen wannabe must have picked up a few tips from reruns of Home Improvement. He made a duct tape version of a Batman costume. No word on how he’ll get the sticky costume off, but you might want to buy stock in Goo-Gone.

So there you have it. No Scooter news. No Bush news. Nothing but pure, unadulterated fun.

We must go now. Our work here is done.