Popsicle Sticks and Jesus

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Like most young omnipotent beings, we were schooled in the ways of the traditional Gods (Christian in our case) when we were young. It was a youth spent singing hymns, making Jesus fans out of church programs and Popsicle sticks, and passing collection plates. A pleasant enough way to spend a Sunday morning, but nothing to write home about.

Of that time, we remember little that inspired us and much that confused us. We don’t think this was any failure in the Sunday school teachers, preachers, or other members of our suburban Methodist congregation. We simply asked questions. They would try to answer. We would pin them down a little more each time and they would finally run out of “proof” of a God. Finally, they would revert to that old chestnut, “Because the Bible tells us so.” The one final question they ultimately could never answer was, “What happens if we choose to not believe the Bible?”

Lest you think we are a garden variety atheist who knows little or nothing about religion, let us tell you this. We’ve read the Bible – some great stories in there by the way – but not much fact. We’ve read portions of the Koran and have had numerous religious conversations about religion with our Muslim friends. While we confess to reading almost nothing of the Torah, we have conversed enough with our Jewish friends to know the Torah covers much of the same territory as the rulebooks of the other religions.

But, our point is this: We believe books are books. They are not the ultimate arbiters of what is true or not true. You are. How you choose to make this determination is completely up to you – a “mistake” a truly omnipotent being would probably not make we might add. And what we need is some proof.

So far, we’ve seen little to support the existence of a God and much to suggest that if there is one, he is one pissed off dude. But none of that matters on a daily basis. We believe that religion is a wonderful thing if it helps you feel better, assists you in doing good, or keeps you from doing evil. We are heartily against murder and can even go with that not coveting thy neighbor’s wife thing (but isn’t just a “little” impure thought OK?). We also believe this can be equally true of high school counselors, eating hamburger, and conserving gasoline. You get to make the choice. Hey, it’s whatever gets you through the day baby.

We will fight to make sure you can continue to practice your religion as you see fit. If you want to worship rocks or magnificent omnipotent beings – ourselves excluded – that is your right. However, it is not your right to tell us how we should worship or not worship. You’re free to worship as you please in the same way that a person is free to practice karate – as long as you don’t hurt us with it, have at it.

We don’t care that God is mentioned on the money or in the Pledge of Allegiance. Those are pretty trivial issues and we can’t see getting majorly upset over it. We DO care about what we teach our kids. The school room is the place for science. There’s ample time at your local hut of worship to cover Intelligent Design. We’d also appreciate it if you could see the other side of the argument too.

We don’t think even the most cynical of atheists would say the Ten Commandments are a bad thing. What they are saying is that the commandments are a Christian thing and if you get to post them on every flat surface on Earth then we should let the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and any of the other myriad religions post theirs too. This is clearly not the way to have a good looking planet and we’d really rather keep it clean.

So here it is in a nutshell. We choose not to believe in a God. We believe you can believe in anything you want. However, we would appreciate it if you would stop telling us we’re going to hell and in return we won’t ask you to get out of a country that belongs to both of us.

And please, this blog is where we vent and rant. Being omnipotent is a tough job and we need the therapy. If we make a disparaging remark about your particular belief please understand that we vent and rant on everyone. We are an equal opportunity satirist and that includes religion as well as Tom Delay, Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, and especially Cher. We REALLY hate Cher.

So we omnipotently proclaim, “make it so.”

Amen.

5 thoughts on “Popsicle Sticks and Jesus

  1. amen to that brutha… omnipotent brutha…i should probably give haris an amen (or “ameen”) too although its too late and I’m too tired to read what he’s written. Tomorrow I promise..zzz

  2. I agree oh Omnipotent One. I agree that everyone ought be free to believe in anything and everything he or she wants. If you ant to believe in rocks far be it from me to interfere, as a matter of fact in the Kur’an there are several verses or ayets that state something to the tune of to you your religion to me mine. Not all humans agree on this concept and that is when problems begin. I think that those who wnat to pressure others into one religion are really unsure in their own religion and want to add more so that by having them agree with them it will seem more correct. I am sure in my religion and I will never force anyone into it so long as I live. I believe if people take some time they will se the good in it. Now on the topic fy my coment yesterday. First off I would like to thank you for such a generous response. I realy enyojed reading it. Isaw your avatar and was once again reminded that looks are decieving. In fact in Bosnia we have a saying the Clothes does not make the man, and in english you have one that states Do not judge a book by its covers. The reason why I do not like to see bad or untestefull coments (not necesarily that I saw them here) is because all those things have a great menaing in someones life. While I believe that everyone is free to have his own religion I do notbelieve that that freedom extends to insulting or dragging through the mud things which some poeple deem important enough to dedicate their lives following. It woudl be in my oppinion like me stoping you while walking with your child ore wife or somethinbg and comenting hwo I think that they engage in the act of prostitution or they are not fit to walk this earth or somethin. I am not saying that you have done this far from it but still it is better to prevent than to heal. Islam is often misanderstood. Like people using the word Jihad inapropriately or quoting the Kur’an falsely or manny other transgressions. Asking questions in Islam is encouraged but slinging mud at any religion shoudl not be tollerated. I like the post today as it occured to em several times in my life that perhaps my religion and my reverance for it is perhaps indoctrinated in me instead of me coming up on it myself, but all I have to do is reread perts of the Kur’an or look at the beautifull owrld again and I am reasured. Perhapos in your quest you will faind faith again but if you do not know where to go at this moment Islam is right there and when is a better time than now a couple of days befor Ramadan. May Gods pecae and greeting be on you and your afmily and keep up with the awsome posts I laugh ed so hard on the Cher critic. I dont like her too much either. Have a nice day.

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