Popsicle Sticks and Jesus

Like most young omnipotent beings, we were schooled in the ways of the traditional Gods (Christian in our case) when we were young. It was a youth spent singing hymns, making Jesus fans out of church programs and Popsicle sticks, and passing collection plates. A pleasant enough way to spend a Sunday morning, but nothing to write home about.

Of that time, we remember little that inspired us and much that confused us. We don’t think this was any failure in the Sunday school teachers, preachers, or other members of our suburban Methodist congregation. We simply asked questions. They would try to answer. We would pin them down a little more each time and they would finally run out of “proof” of a God. Finally, they would revert to that old chestnut, “Because the Bible tells us so.” The one final question they ultimately could never answer was, “What happens if we choose to not believe the Bible?”

Lest you think we are a garden variety atheist who knows little or nothing about religion, let us tell you this. We’ve read the Bible – some great stories in there by the way – but not much fact. We’ve read portions of the Koran and have had numerous religious conversations about religion with our Muslim friends. While we confess to reading almost nothing of the Torah, we have conversed enough with our Jewish friends to know the Torah covers much of the same territory as the rulebooks of the other religions.

But, our point is this: We believe books are books. They are not the ultimate arbiters of what is true or not true. You are. How you choose to make this determination is completely up to you – a “mistake” a truly omnipotent being would probably not make we might add. And what we need is some proof.

So far, we’ve seen little to support the existence of a God and much to suggest that if there is one, he is one pissed off dude. But none of that matters on a daily basis. We believe that religion is a wonderful thing if it helps you feel better, assists you in doing good, or keeps you from doing evil. We are heartily against murder and can even go with that not coveting thy neighbor’s wife thing (but isn’t just a “little” impure thought OK?). We also believe this can be equally true of high school counselors, eating hamburger, and conserving gasoline. You get to make the choice. Hey, it’s whatever gets you through the day baby.

We will fight to make sure you can continue to practice your religion as you see fit. If you want to worship rocks or magnificent omnipotent beings – ourselves excluded – that is your right. However, it is not your right to tell us how we should worship or not worship. You’re free to worship as you please in the same way that a person is free to practice karate – as long as you don’t hurt us with it, have at it.

We don’t care that God is mentioned on the money or in the Pledge of Allegiance. Those are pretty trivial issues and we can’t see getting majorly upset over it. We DO care about what we teach our kids. The school room is the place for science. There’s ample time at your local hut of worship to cover Intelligent Design. We’d also appreciate it if you could see the other side of the argument too.

We don’t think even the most cynical of atheists would say the Ten Commandments are a bad thing. What they are saying is that the commandments are a Christian thing and if you get to post them on every flat surface on Earth then we should let the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and any of the other myriad religions post theirs too. This is clearly not the way to have a good looking planet and we’d really rather keep it clean.

So here it is in a nutshell. We choose not to believe in a God. We believe you can believe in anything you want. However, we would appreciate it if you would stop telling us we’re going to hell and in return we won’t ask you to get out of a country that belongs to both of us.

And please, this blog is where we vent and rant. Being omnipotent is a tough job and we need the therapy. If we make a disparaging remark about your particular belief please understand that we vent and rant on everyone. We are an equal opportunity satirist and that includes religion as well as Tom Delay, Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, and especially Cher. We REALLY hate Cher.

So we omnipotently proclaim, “make it so.”

Amen.

The Wheels on the Bus Are Com-ing Off, Com-ing Off…

The wheels on the bus are com-ing off, com-ing off, com-ing off…the wheels on the bus are com-ing off, ev-er-y day. Maybe we’re just getting older. Maybe we have a touch of pre-Alzheimer’s. Maybe we’re just stuck in a rut. But can anything ELSE go wrong?

We’re bombarded daily with all manner of disaster, ruination, and just plain bad luck. Our politics are a crime ridden landscape where the leaders are either crooked or stupid or both. Groups of home-grown Taliban are trying to drag us screaming and kicking back into the 14th Century. There’s fire, flood, and war on every corner. The price of gasoline is up and the future of the Republic is down. We have to have the window motor in our Omnipotentmobile replaced to the tune of $700.

It seems the detritus of life in the early 21st Century is piling up faster than beer cans at a biker bar. Bad juju has become a powerful force that we can’t seem to overcome or make peace with. If we were religious, it would almost make us start to believe all that hokum about God smiting homos and liberals and flinging lightening bolts at the infidels to show us that we are nearing the end of our days.

Almost. We’re actually on a first name basis with God, Mohamed, and Buddha and they seem just as perplexed as us.

Sure, there are the little nuggets of hope. The Germans have developed a self-ordering beer mat, Paris Hilton seems to be in her 16th minute of fame, and Jessica Alba says she’d do nude scenes if the director and script were just right. But, those things are scant hope for a world facing problems of the magnitude we’ve seen recently.

Remember the days when things happened at a normal, copeable pace? A tragedy every few days or a scandal here and there instead of our now typical Katrina/Rita/crashing jet/tornado-in-Minneapolis kind of day. A person needs a few moments between Hindenburg crashes to catch their breath and ready themselves for the next scream. It’s no longer, “OH, THE HUMANITY!”. It’s “SONUVABITCH! WHAT NEXT?”

So the Poobah has a request. Send us a little good news. Something that will cheer us up. We need an omnipotent laugh, a beatific snicker, a nice piece of apple pie. Anything! We’re begging you. We don’t want to dissolve into a whimpering mass of formerly omnipotent jelly. We want to find something that will help us resist the impulse to smite something as those other, more famous deities, are apt to do.

Please. Make us laugh. We’ll even throw 72 virgins and a river of honey toward you as an incentive.

An Incompetent So Good They Hired Him Again

Everyone’s seen them, those pictures of a person looking into a mirror, looking into a mirror, looking into a mirror on into infinity. Watching some of the actions of Blight House this week, the feeling is familiar.

If you’ll remember, the poor FEMA response down south has a long history. The original FEMA director, a political hack with no experience and really bad hair, was replaced by another political hack with no experience and a padded resume. That hack – conveniently testifying before a largely Republican and friendly House committee this morning – quit abruptly, mid-fiasco when things went south in a spectacular way. Using his overflowing font of Presidential wisdom, King George II replaced him with another outstanding candidate, the man responsible for the infamous plastic sheeting and duct tape defense against WMD. That DubyaDubyaDubya.dum fella sure knows how to pick ’em.

If you haven’t been watching closely you might imagine that at this point, Bushco finally got the picture and has stopped hiring cronies for important jobs in his administration. If so, you’d be wrong. Brownie, the one singled out by the Shrubster for doing such a fantastic job, has been hired by FEMA, as get this, a consultant.

Incurious George likes to be called the CEO President and this move certainly qualifies. Captain Corruption did what many CEOs do when they face a crumbling pile of ick – hire a consultant. We’re guessing that even the worst of Halliburton’s worst would’ve been a better pick than “Brownie“. Perhaps the walking smirk finally smartened up and hired Brownie to tell them what not to do.

So here’s to Brownie. Back on the public dime sharing his expertise with a grateful nation once again.

Oh Brownie, I’ve got an Arabian horse I’d like you to take a look at. It has a pain in its ass and it looks just like you.